Tumultuous Twenties: Vol. I: Identity
- Jess Fuqua
- Jan 30, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 31, 2021
I would hope that y’all read my blogs in their entirety, but I had several misconceptions about the last blog. “The Last Blog” isn’t literally “the last blog.” It is simply the last blog about a particular topic. So, I just wanted to clear that up. I’m not retiring anytime soon. I still write often, I’m just still lazy about posting, BUT one of my new year’s resolutions was to remain consistent. Pray that I keep this up.
So here is the first entry of the “Tumultuous Twenties” series: Tumultuous Twenties Vol. I: Identity.
Pour a glass of wine. Light a bowl. Play “Touch Me” the remix by Victoria Monet ft. Kehlani.
After months of inner soul work, this is it. This is healing. I won’t say healed because the pandemic has kept me sheltered from tests of ultimate healing. Facing faces I would rather forget. Actually dating. Having to be on time to work. And not drinking during class lectures. The pandemic has allowed me to be in the comfort of my home most days. Catering to self and not dealing with anything I’d rather not deal with. It has been blissful. Peaceful. Enlightening and empowering. Though I may not have had to face the tests I’ve listed above, I can confidently say even if I had to, I’d probably pass. Healing is forever an ongoing process. I can be healed from a past situationship and still broken when I enter into a new relationship. That doesn’t mean that I’m not healed. That simply means that the healing process is still ongoing. It will continue. You are constantly healing from generational curses of your past and you are forever growing while in your present.
So I’m healing. Here’s how it’s going:
I am currently at a peak after growing through several valleys. I’m not going to sugar coat this like it was easy. This has been the hardest journey of my life to date. I have been stripped naked in front of myself. I have examined myself fully. The good and the bad. Especially the bad. The first three months that I dedicated to inner self work felt like an eternity. I felt worthless, unlovable, unattractive and lost. I felt all the emotions of another failed situationship. Something that I have never done before. The usual routine is to hop to the next young man on the roster. But not this time. Per the last blog, I reconnected with God and he said we were feeling this one. Every low. Every pain. And every bad thought. We were feeling them. Handling them and using them. What actually transpired in the relationship and what wasn’t something you fantasized in your head? What moments were genuine? What moments did you enjoy? What moments did you not enjoy? Are the thoughts that you feel about yourself after the situation valid? What moments taught you something about yourself? Ultimately, take the relationship for what it was. A lesson.
I decided to be celibate to focus on my inner self journey. I’m 11 months in. Go back and read that line because “Yes Ma’am!” Yay me. Like I’m really lit as hell. If you’ve been celibate longer than I have, congrats big fella, but this is my time. I’m the Captain now! I’m so proud of myself. I’m throwing myself a party when I hit a year.
Celibacy to me strengthens discipline in all aspects. As I master celibacy, I am able to submit all my homework on time. Focus on work tasks without my mind wandering. Workout consistently and purposefully for 3-4 days weekly. Study the bible. Just focus in general. Celibacy gives me power and control. And if you ever want to truly take a deeper look inside yourself, I suggest a bout of celibacy. It gives you time to truly be with yourself. If you find yourself uncomfortable being absolutely alone, a bout of celibacy will force you to get comfortable with yourself.
Speaking of working out. Please, please, please, follow @Kiaratheleader on IG. Now I know I preach about working out for the free, but if you are a complete workout virgin or even if you are a gym whore, I suggest following Kiara and purchasing a workout plan. Or two. Or three. This woman resonates with me. Her programs focus on power and strength and you will see results. I’m thick now, so I’m living proof. Fitness has definitely healed me and continues to heal me. Gyms are touch and go to me at the moment due to the panny. I rarely go to the gym. I have built this lil body primarily at home. I am an overthinker. Working out is the only time I can honestly say I think about nothing but myself and the movement I’m doing. I love that escape. I truly do. For 1-2 hours in the morning, even though I am doing exercises that cause discomfort, I am truly relaxed. The results are phenomenal, and I have never loved my body more.
I stepped out on faith and quit my first big girl job. It was in sales. I hate sales so you can see why it wasn’t a fit. I was constantly searching for some type of purpose or fulfillment and constantly found none. After days of prayer, I applied to a job in a social work field. I was instantly sold once I began this new venture. Though the work is difficult and stressful, I no longer have to deal with the racism of corporate America. I am in an atmosphere that truly allows me to learn and grow. And most importantly I am doing work that fulfills me. It gives me purpose, and for that I am thankful. Most don’t get to experience fulfillment in their lines of work.
I lost my Grandmother this year. On my sorority’s Founders’ Day. I never thought of myself as the “strong” friend, until her death. I didn’t grieve properly for a week after the news. I blocked out everything related to her. I did not want to deal with it. I made social media posts, but it wasn’t reality for me. I didn’t eat for a week. I could not sleep. I wanted to smoke and drink the sadness away. I broke down at her funeral. I ran out of the funeral home after viewing her. I broke down throughout the entire service. She looked like she was sleeping. In my head, I was begging God to just wake her up. Pleading with him. Asking him how he could take her from me. So suddenly. Without me being there. If I knew Christmas was the last time, I would have seen her, I would have held her tighter. Kissed her longer. Stayed with her longer. But God has a plan for everything, and though I may miss her, I am thankful that she is at peace. In 2017, my Grandma had a stroke that left her unable to speak. Over the years, I’ve seen her deteriorate. By the time she passed, she seemed to be in so much pain. I am at peace knowing she is no longer in pain. I still have tears even writing this. I will miss her until the day I die, but I am comforted to know she is with me.
My Grandmother’s death pushed me to send out my first law school application. Read that line again. Yes, the cat is out of the bag. My healing journey also consisted of me preparing for law school. I told the young man of my last situationship that I wanted to take a social media break at the top of the year to begin the preparations of starting law school. He did not support nor understand the thought process or decision. On January 22, 2021, I was accepted into my first law school. The moment I read the acceptance letter is indescribable. I felt affirmed. Confident in every decision I have made since March of 2020.
I began this journey broken. I had a young man tell me that I was not worthy of getting to know, but accessible to have sex with. I had to unpack that. I had to deal with that. I had to dismantle myself. Rebuild myself. Learn myself and fall in love with myself. I have stepped out of my comfort zone more times within the past year than in my entire life. I have strengthened and built friendships that are truly God sent. I have become the woman who I have been searching for for years. I was broken by the death of my Grandma, but her life and memory also solidify the progress I have made.
I am no longer the broken girl who will accept the broken boy. Hell, right now the bar is so high, I can’t imagine who will meet it. I really am the shit #respectfully. My body is banging, and I really do this fitness shit. I am absolutely beautiful, and it took me so long to realize that. I am about to have two degrees with no gap years and zero student debt. I’m self-made. I put myself through grad school, all by myself. I am a member of the greatest sorority on Earth. My credit score is spectacular. I got into law school! I decided to go to law school in March of 2020, and I spent every single day of the year working toward that goal. I took the LSAT, asked for several recommendation letters, I spent two months perfecting my personal statement and I actually got in. All my hard work paid off. Though I still have several vacation destinations to visit, I am still well-traveled for my age. I give bomb advice. I have a successful blog. I have devoted family and friends. Once upon a time, I cried myself to sleep over a nigga who if I ever dropped his name would make everyone gasp at his “ain’t shit” antics. I’m proud of myself for rising above that. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I’m so thankful for the growth. I’m so thankful to be here.
I’m thankful for me. For identity. This is my identity. Someone who is passionate. Determined. Beautiful. Strong. Confident. Funny. And here.
I’m here. Thank God that I’m still here.
Each section that I spoke about will be a volume added to the Tumultuous Twenties series. I will talk in depth about celibacy, fitness, my current and past careers, mental health in your twenties, my law school journey and grad school journey. If you’d like to hear about anything else or submit a short piece about your very own tumultuous twenties, please, please, please reach out to me!
Enjoy these pictures from my inner self/self-love journey thus far!
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