Sad Girl Aesthetics

Read this piece while listening to "Throw It Away" by Summer Walker.

Bump the entire album honestly. A masterpiece was made.

A failed situationship is always going to get me to push my pen.

Heartbreak typically is motivational for me. It’s the one emotion that I have a hard time suppressing.

Heartbreak, for me, is baptismal. It typically represents reflection and rebirth. Shedding of an old chapter, denouncing mistakes and bad choices, to be reborn a better version of myself.

That sounds poetic. In a past life, I would have been a Harlem Renaissance poet. An outspoken one. Disguising racism, sexism, and misogyny as metaphors, flowers, and love letters. To later be unveiled in AP Literature classes and collegiate advanced literature lecture halls.

But heartbreak isn’t poetic. We aren’t always reborn a better version of ourselves. We can become hardened, more insecure, angry and distrustful. Sometimes, the better version of us was on the other side. Before the breakup. Oftentimes we can become wiser. We can learn a lot and that is the beneficial takeaway of the rebirth, but sometimes that better version of us is possibly three breakups away. More character development is needed. The network has to order more seasons. The set budget has to increase and new cast members are needed.

Isolation can even bring about the better us, but becoming a better you isn’t poetic. At least not when you are living through it. Living through it is tough. Rough. And incredibly hard. For lack of pretty words, it completely sucks.

I’m not living a past life as a Harlem Renaissance poet. I identify more with being a writer. Still an outspoken one, but my current life is one of an outspoken Black woman with ambition and a Blog. A blog, that instead of disguising important issues addresses them without metaphors, flowers and love letters. A blog that drastically changed the trajectory of my law school career.

I’ve been in a state of reflection. I’ve been here for a while, but recent events have forced me to sit in this space of reflection. To truly take it all in. I wonder what my current life would be like if I never blogged about my rape.

Would I enjoy going to class? Even entering the school? Would I be nervous walking to Civil Procedure? Would I be anxious around my classmates? Would I care if they’ve ever said anything behind my back? Would that even be a typical thought of mine? Would I have more friends? A social life? Laugh more? Smile more? Would my guard constantly be up? Would anger still be my daily overarching emotion? Would I have a better love life? Or would I still have this scarlet letter branded on me making me undesirable, unapproachable and misunderstood?

I’ve sat with these thoughts. I think about was the blog worth all of the pain and trauma I’ve experienced since its publication? Was it worth the isolation? The lonely Friday nights? The constant cycle of sadness and rage? (I could gag at saying this, but sometimes I wish I was still working at ServiceSource or DCS to avoid the things I have experienced since I published the blog. IYKYK)

I moved to Baton Rouge to escape Nashville and being here has made me love Nashville more than ever. The city I wanted to get as far away from as possible has become the same city I wish I could escape to every second of the day.

Why were things so better back home? It was familiar? Was making friends there easier? Was creating a roster there easier? Did I have a better reputation? Did I care less?

Despite not having the urge to do backflips about the reality of my life since posting, I don’t regret it.

I feel like I had a real human experience during the fallout. Before I came to law school, I don’t think I had a deep connection with myself. I felt like I went through life from an out of body experience. Its hard to explain, but its like I viewed myself experiencing life, but I wasn’t internally in tuned with myself until I was completely on my own. I perceived interactions more deeply and clearly. I felt emotions deeper and longer, and I dreamed and thought more. All in all to say, I was present.

I’m sure trauma can propel one from reality to delusion, but my trauma propelled me from delusion to reality. Learning about how our legal system internally works also probably played a hand. I was instantly witnessing how our world works on a smaller scale while in Baton Rouge.

I came to law school with ambitions of changing the world. Changing laws in America. Dismantling systems. Having a portrait hang of me and my husband in the White House. And I was extremely naïve and delusional of the persecution and resistance I would encounter by even attempting those hefty feats on my “to-do” list.

I think God has a funny way (in retrospect) of giving us tools we’ll need in the future. I learned a lot of big girl lessons rapidly and consequentially. And yes, I was stressed out. I was depressed. I was tired.

Tired of fighting my battles alone. More than anything I wanted a confidant. Someone who completely understood the fight and fought with me.

But there are some battles that you have to fight alone. No matter how hard they are. Or how tired you become. Its all okay, because the other side will reveal the better you.

Since the blog has been out, I’ve learned that TSU isn’t so different from my current HBCU. I viewed TSU through a different lens. I wasn’t around the exact same people every single day and class period. I lived down the hall from almost everyone on campus in some sort of fashion. That alone made us forced to interact with one another. Forced (in a sense) to become friends. I was in sisterhood orgs. I couldn’t go anywhere on campus without seeing a “sister”. I always had a tribe or tribe member in the room. I was always in driving distance of multiple family members. I could go home whenever I felt like it. I could make every family event. I could bump into a cousin at Homecoming. I felt secure.

But I was blind to the sexual assault also at TSU. I was oblivious to the sinister similarities that both institutions shared.

How I describe my journey in law school may be someone’s reality while attending TSU. Both perspectives are necessary. Not sure if both can exist fully: the ability to be in bliss and reality at the same time.

I think bliss is created with a dash of delusion: the feeling of letting go of the heavy weight that is life. To just float in enjoyment and detach.

The final stage of heartbreak is to just float in enjoyment and detach. Shed the past; embrace the future.

That’s the season I’m in. Shedding the past and embracing the future. Moments don’t last forever and even a hard moment will pass. It’ll become a memory. And one day, that memory will be the only tie that you have to the moment.

I’ve been a sad girl the past couple of days, but I did a little inner child healing by getting a puppy. His name is Harlem Renaissance, can you guess why?

Last season was for adjustment. This new season is for acceptance.

--For those who need it. Never for those who don’t.

Forever,

Your Curlfriend