Here we are again. Back in the space that once brought me and so many others visibility and peace.
It really saddens me to realize how difficult the last three years have been. I’ve recently returned to many of the healing and soothing techniques that I heavily practiced during the covid lockdown in 2020 and the early half of 2021. I truly learned to take care of myself then. To rebuild myself.
When I think of this time I reflect on healing and peace. What I don’t remember are the difficult times that I experienced even then. That’s the funny thing about life; how emotions can feel so big in memory that they replace any others that may have been present.
Like these last three years. Have they really been the hardest three years of my life? Maybe thus far? Have they really been overcome by rage, trauma, sadness, loneliness, and pain?
I know the answer is no; but when I look back in time will darkness be the cloud that is remembered. Will this season be forever associated with pain?
As I’ve said before Your Curlfriend, my beloved blog, used to be a source of joy and transparency. An inviting space for self-growth and love. I blog about sexual assault, and it becomes the Shade Room.
I often think about my mindset and the aftermath of “One Week Later”, it recently became newly discovered and the website notifications almost drove me insane. I never imagined that my pieces were being illy perceived. Throughout undergrad, I only received messages of support, positivity, encouragement and connection.
In law school I did receive messages of support and comfort, but the discord it created in my personal life was odd and emotionally it broke me down, which is a huge understatement.
It snatched away my joy within this place and my joy within Louisiana all together.
Being loud about an intimate subject propelled me into the culture around women and sexual assault. How it can be quiet, belittling, frustrating, painful and for lack of a better word weird.
I let all of that eat at me for three years.
For three years I dreaded making the awful walk from the law center parking lot to the actual school building. I dreaded scanning rooms and common areas in hopes of not seeing anyone who aided in my rage and trauma. I dreaded class gaps where I was forced to stay on campus. I hated the air of the environment whenever I would step foot in the law center. I hated the ping of an Outlook notification, dreading the fact it would be an administrator who I would have to argue with for the bare minimum. I hated every moment of it for three years straight.
I put on a brave face though. In typical only child, first-generation Capricorn fashion, I pressed on for titles and accolades, built up my resume and appeared to be the greatest law student ever right?
1L Class Rep, Kaplan Bar Rep, Symposium Editor for the Journal of Race, Gender and Poverty, Outreach Coordinator for the Children and Family Law Society, Co-Chair for Barristers’ Ball, Fall Fest Committee, Elections Committee, Black Law Students Association Member, Innocence Project New Orleans Law Clerk, Texas House of Representatives Policy Director and Legislative Aide, JAG Corps Intern for the Space Force and Air Force, Phi Alpha Delta Law Fraternity Member, Student Ambassador, Everyone’s Favorite Family Law Teaching Assistant, Walmart In-House Counsel Intern, TORCH: The Academy of Politics Cohort of 2024 Member, Baton Rouge Bar Association Teen Court Law Student Volunteer, and she likes to argue so Honors Board of Advocates Mock Trial Member (Soon to President).
I gave law school my all. I never funked out no matter how low I got mentally. And I’ve gotten low.
I get low. Should that lowness define all three years when I’ve accomplished and overcome more than I’ve ever imagined?
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We began this piece with the healing and soothing practices I developed in 2020. How that season is remembered as a time of peace. If I really think hard enough, I felt like my life was crashing in 2020. I was freshly out of undergrad. I was pursuing a degree that I had no passion for or desire to ever utilize. I hated my current job with everything in me. I was living back at home with my parents. I was in bad situationships. I was at the beginning of my fitness journey. I felt skinny. I felt lonely……..
I think that pain does have weight, and I think the pain I have experienced in law school is greater than my covid pain, but how I felt then is almost how I feel now.
Low. Depressed. Seeking a recharge. Longing for a reset. Knowing that I need to nurture myself out of this sunken place and grow.
I sulk on social media and to my friends and my parents. I sulk on my couch and in bed. I feel bad for myself. For being stuck in Louisiana. For choosing Southern. For being assaulted. For all the people who I hate here. For the semester that I have left here. And it doesn’t change anything.
That grief, that trauma, that pain, those feelings….. they do absolutely nothing for me. Nothing positive. I’ve gone weeks without eating. I’ve lost ten pounds. The gains I’ve worked for have faded away. I get low and depressed and I stop taking care of myself and that does absolutely nothing for me.
I recognize lowness. I’ve met her before. I know when she tries to creep in and I know when she has me. I know the mind games she plays and how she alters my view of spaces in time.
But not this one.
Though this time of my life has been difficult, I don’t wish to associate it with only pain.
I think last fall (Fall of 2023) was an unknown reset. For the first time I wasn’t the silent, invisible TA (teaching assistant) in the back of Family Law. This particular group of 1Ls were actually scheduling meetings. I was actually working that semester. They would even talk to me after class. I’m not a bitch, I invite positive conversation; but I had been a TA for a while and majority of that job was sitting in the shadows with no interaction from my students.
The point of this blurb is, this was the first batch of students to actually know that I was doing hella around the school from academics to extra curriculars. I felt so seen.
And this moment made that little light bulb in my head turn on.
“I kinda did that shit.”
I came to law school, a place that I prayed for. A place that I soothed and nurtured myself in preparation for. I rebuilt myself for this.
And the light went on!
I’ll be damned if I let something I prayed for destroy me. Or cause me to forget who I am. To look at myself differently. To break down everything I built in preparation for this.
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
It wasn’t.
Going to break me.
I wasn’t going to look back at this period of my life with hatred and anger when I accomplished so much. When I made strides that will impact the rest of my life for the better. I couldn’t fathom letting the faces of my abuser, or people in my class, administrators, and most importantly the people who never fed, clothed or supported me be the faces I see and the rage I feel when I think of this period of my life.
I release the hold that they have had on me for three long years.
I release all the anger and energy that has drained me for the last three years.
I don’t want to forget the battles that I have fought. They have made me stronger. Or the tears that I have shed. They have made me lighter. But I do want to look back on this time and reflect on strength and growth.
Whether I’d like to admit it, I think my time at Southern has made me a better person. I am more empathetic, I am wiser, surprisingly I am calmer and I am smarter.
I know how low people can go. I know how inconsiderate they can be. I’ve seen the worst in people and as a forever learner, I think that is the best lesson to learn. The nature of people. The good and the bad. I think this is an even better lesson for a future criminal defense attorney.
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Healing is cyclic. Forever going and forever returning. Once upon a time I used to be such a fun girl. A light, loving and free person. Lately I’ve felt full of rage and sad. Such a yucky and grey feeling. I’m releasing that.
I’m releasing all negativity period. I need to form my own positive relationship with Louisiana and even in my last semester at Southern, if not with the school at least associate it with studying and the joy of receiving the degree.
I’m releasing all anger associated with certain people. The burden of the load is becoming too great to carry. I have to have faith that karma does find all.
I have a round of finals that is separating me from a month of pure peace. I have absolutely no plans for the month of May and my best friend is coming to Louisiana at the end of May.
I plan on studying like I never have before for this finals’ season. Primarily because I have to teach myself all four subjects because it has just been one of those semesters and also because I have a lot to prove to myself. The most important lesson is: that I do belong here and all the hardships have to be pushed aside so I pass, pass next semester, graduate and fulfill something that will make all the hardships worth it.
I’m choosing peace. I need it now more than ever.
These were the take aways from the last blog:
Examine your stances on rape, sexual assault, and violence against women. If you are not willing to combat these areas or take a stance against them when challenged, then you are passive, cowardly, and not an ally to the cause.
So many women AND men are affected by these occurrences daily. You should not have to put a loved one in their shoes to change your stance or simply care.
Community service organizations are great for resumes I guess, but several orgs have you take oaths and have mission statements that are worthy of reading and abiding by. Idk, just food for thought.
When you are about to grow, you will be faced with what is easy and what is hard. Choose hard, it’ll always be more rewarding in the end. You’re a rose under concrete, push past the concrete, there is sunshine on the other side.
Always speak up and be you. I don’t care if it pushes people away. Stand alone. There will always be people admiring your tenacity and strength. People always thought that every Great was annoying or crazy. Be both.
Also note to myself, stop explaining common sense sentiments to men.
All of these still ring true. It hurts that this was the lesson last semester and I still allowed my feelings to be hurt over the same topics this semester. I release those feelings of pain and welcome the lessons again.
Take these once more and leave with these as well:
· To anyone struggling with anything, joy will come again if you choose it. Silently invite it and hold on to the hope that it will. It will.
· Take deep breaths. Learn to center yourself in the midst of emotions beginning to take over. You are center. You are control. Hone in.
· REST. Your body needs it. You need it. Don’t find regret or dread in resting. It truly is necessary. Recharge and reset. Let things that do not serve you be released in your rest.
· Stand by you. If you find yourself alone, stand by you. Stand with yourself. Prop yourself up. Support yourself. Nurture yourself. You are your best asset and ally. Your mind believes what YOU tell it. Believe that you are capable of anything because you support yourself before anyone else does.
· Release it. Release everything that does not serve you. Let it go, let it lie, and let it die.
I’m coming back to center. I want Your Curlfriend to revert back to a space of peace. I’m reconnecting with writing and sharing again.
And I hope those who support and resonate will stay on this journey with me.
Grow and Glow,
Your Curlfriend
Good luck to everyone in the midst of finals prep!
