One Week Later

I took this piece down. Now it’s back. This is my truth & I’m standing in it unapologetically. Unafraid of ridicule. Unafraid of any comics or critiques. To the supporters, ‘Your Curlfriend’ is for you. To those who don’t support? Close the app.

Last Sunday, I had sex. DUN…..DUN……DUNNNNNNN. Let’s unpack the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on one week later.

Read this blog to SCOOP by Lil Nas X ft. Doja Cat. He deserves all his flowers and the blog and song lowkey go along with one another. Enjoy!

Context:

When all this happened, I had only made one friend here. One day we were studying in the LSU library when a friend of hers sat at our table to study. Though my eye doctor has diagnosed me with being near sighted, I’d like to make the argument that I am legally blind. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I knew the young man who sat down. Weeks after I moved to BR, someone (him) DM’ed me and said, “Hey sexy, I want you.” I did not respond, because I did not like that approach at all. I do not like being called sexy. To me it’s the worst compliment, especially if it’s the first compliment I’m ever receiving from you. It immediately makes me feel like you’re sexualizing me, and I am not a piece of meat. If yall who are reading call people “sexy”….. do you. I’m very critical of words and language and EYE do not like it. I also didn’t like the “I want you” phrase. Again, it was giving very much “sexualizing”, and I did not know this young man, so he was left on read.

Neither me nor the young man engaged during the study session beyond introductions and farewells. After the study session, I saw a post from him on Instagram and my brain immediately connected the dots of how I knew him. I texted my friend a screenshot of his page to see if this was in fact the young man who we’d just studied with. She confirmed. A little wave of guilt flew over my head. Though I did not appreciate his message at all, I look at friends of my friends as my friends (red flag, I know now, but keep reading), so I told her if he ever felt uncomfortable around me for not replying to his DM, to charge it to my head and not my heart because I had no idea who he was and I don’t respond to unknown DMs. A little truth mixed with a lie for the situation.

A couple weeks later, my friend threw a birthday event and invited me. He was there. He was clingy, but we agreed to hang out soon.

Now you’re up to speed. So let’s upack.

On Sunday he came over. We talked for a bit. I feel as though I’m a very transparent person. I would rather skip small talk or pointless conversation. I want to have specific definitions for all the relationships in my life, so I asked him point blank “What are we?” Niggas claim to be so real and straight forward until you ask them that question. Everyone is grown until it’s time to communicate, apologize or tell the truth. He was tongue tied. He beat around the bush. I kid you not, I had to repeatedly ask him “What are we? What are your expectations? What do you want to come from this?” I got the typical nigga answers. Verbatim. “I’m just chilling.” “I want to chill.” “To see where this goes.” Blah. blah, blah. Nigga just tell me the truth. We are grown. We are in law school. Chasing a professional, expensive ass degree. My rent is $1,500. I pay bills. I’m living off a refund. Be direct on my fucking couch. It’s not a complicated question. Maybe an hour later he finally said “I want to fuck you.”

Side bar: Is that really hard for yall (Young men) to admit? Why do yall really try to play in our face? Just say that.

There were several red flags from this encounter. I just did not like him. He was talking about his friends and it concerned me, like why are you talking about your friends. Do young men think this impresses us? He made some homophobic comments, which blew me because one of my best friends is gay. Homophobia will never turn me on. He said he wouldn’t hang out with certain people at school for being gay, but low and behold, he was always with these exact same men…. So here I am on my couch confused……

Nothing about our conversation interested me. My interest did not peak at all. I just knew internally that I did not enjoy his company, but I was trying to be open to a potential new friend. I told him that I was celibate for the past 19 months as a polite segway to let him know that I was not planning to have sex with him. He said he did not believe me. HUGE RED FLAG. What? Are women not capable of going prolonged periods without sex? What is wrong with yall’s mindsets? He said that he had sex three months ago……...

Eventually we turned on a movie and started cuddling. The cuddling started off cool. We kissed. Ehh, nothing to brag about. I could see that he was about to start the “let’s fuck” routine. Or so I thought, but the foreplay was nonexistent. Like it was no where to be found.

Side bar: Young men, do yall think you can just immediately penetrate us? Like do you understand the concept of getting us wet? Do you not know that sex is a partnership? I get wet to aid in both of our sexual pleasure? Do you understand the concept of foreplay? Do you get how and why it works???

Before we even actually had sex. He continually tried to initiate sex, despite me saying no or trying to move away from him.

This young man never touched my clit. Immediately started fingering me……….. And at this point, I’m just blown, because its no way. I know I wiggled away from him numerous times and he kept on. This is a huge red flag for coercion, but I have a rant about that later in the blog. After numerous rejections, I just gave in to see what I had been missing for the past 19 months. He whipped out his penis. And I’m looking like, okay where is the condom????

He didn’t have a condom and he was completely fine with having raw sex. I do not know you sir. You do not know me. I take full responsibility for irresponsibly engaging in unprotected sex. That was not smart. That went against everything I stand for. No ifs, ands, or butts. I just wanted to get it over with for lack of better words. His nonchalant behavior would haunt me though.

We had sex, if you can call it that. I erased it from my body count immediately after. There was no foreplay. My clit got no action. No neck kisses. Complete silence. No talking. My boobs weren’t touched. I had a sweatshirt on for majority of the act. I prefer naked sex. My boobs are pierced for a reason, and being ignored during sex isn’t one of them. He kept saying I “was running” or “couldn’t take dick”, in reality, the shit just doesn’t feel good. I wanted him to stop, I had to push him off or try to push him off multiple times. Dry pounding to my vagina is an actual horrible experience. He was rough and forceful. He would try to kiss me, I would pull away and I could feel his tight grip on the back of my head. I just wanted it to be over. It was trash. It was horrible. I did not have a good time and I was so glad when he left my house. BUT before he left, he ate up my snacks and drank one of my red bulls…….. that pissed me off beyond belief. Red bulls are expensive. I’m a good host, so I never would have denied him access to anything in my home after I welcomed him in, but I just wanted to say “Ask yourself do you deserve snacks and red bull after that weak mess? Do you?” I was oh so glad when he left.

Monday: At 7 AM, I was up ranting and screaming to Clifton and Camillia about my night. I was just in shock that I waited 19 months to have sex and it went like that. I have only had bad sex twice in my life and that was definitely number 2. But more importantly, I was upset at myself for having unprotected sex, when I first hand knew of the consequences. I was so mad at him, but honestly I could only be mad at myself regarding the sex being unprotected. I was triggered that the sex was the result of coercion. Clif and Cam convinced me to just ask him when his last STD test was and go from there. I asked him. He said he didn’t know. At that moment I wanted to die. How could I be so stupid!? How do you not know the last date of your most recent STD test?? You can recall the last time you had sex, but not your last STD test??? Every time I got mad at him, I got more mad at myself.

Let me say once again. I take full responsibility for my actions in getting to this point, but I’m usually precautious. I’ve had chlamydia before. I naively believed that my partner would be just as cautious about their sexual health. Lol jokes on me! I just couldn’t believe that he wasn’t precautious about his health nor mine. You really came into my DMs, unprovoked!, and could have given me a possible STD or multiple in my own home. I didn’t send for you, but I let you in so this is my L to hold too.

After he didn’t respond, I blocked him. I asked him why he didn’t recall the date of his last STD test, if he was concerned that we had unprotected sex and how he plans to respond…… nothing. I was nice though, I gave him until midnight to respond and when he didn’t…….BLOCKED.

Tuesday: Big girl things. I researched STD clinics in Baton Rouge, made a few phone calls and made myself an appointment. As soon as possible. If you’ve ever had chlamydia then you’d understand the urgency. So right before Legal Writing where am I am? Peeing in a cup telling a Sigma about my sexual history. Great way to start off your Tuesday, right?

I saw him later that day. He said I didn’t have to block him because he wanted to talk about the STD situation in person. So of course I asked my friends for advice. Clifton said I should be courteous enough to have the conversation with him. I resonated with that so I unblocked him. Told him we could talk and awaited a response.

Wednesday: On Wednesday he came over. He said that he felt the question I asked was too invasive……….. Asking a partner who I had unprotected sex with, when their last STD test was, was too invasive? I immediately remembered why I did not like this young man. That was not an invasive question. So I asked him to elaborate why he felt like it's okay to not know the last date of your last STD test and how he felt we should move forward. His argument was that some black men could not get tested due to “socioeconomic” issues. Yall I wanted to scream. Was he serious? I have worked within the impoverished Black community. STD testing is targeted for the impoverished community. There are several places you can go to get STD tested for free. If you do not have insurance, you can still get STD tested for free. At this point I wanted to kick him out of my house. Because why did you drive 30 minutes from Baton Rouge to just provide me with excuses? I would have appreciated it more if he were to say, “I am fearful of STD testing or I am a product of STD testing stigma.” Just be honest. Yall don’t be real niggas. I’m the real nigga.

The conversation was obviously going nowhere. He kept saying he was clean and would use my STD results as an indicator of his status. Are you 24 or 4??? Go get tested. Don’t rely on me to carry out something that you are as equally responsible for. You are the one in control of your health and I am in control of my health.

Also “clean” connotes to the understanding that positive STD results are dirty and that isn’t true. Some people are born with STDs. I hated that he used the words “clean and dirty”. I attempted to educate him on why not to use those terms, but yall know niggas hate to be educated.

My STD rant: Use protection! Your health is so much more important than a nut or a nut that you’ll never get from your partner. You should be tested for STDs routinely every 3 months if you are sexually active, even if you are in a committed relationship. For good measure, you should honestly be tested after every new sexual partner. No exceptions. You should be overly conscious of your sexual health. The second you slack, could be second you wind up with chlamydia or HIV. Don’t take that risk. Be open and honest with your partner. If you are old enough to have consenual sex, then you should be old enough to talk about your sexual health. STD talk isn’t too invasive and shy away from partners who avoid the topic. There’s bigger issues going on than you should care to take on.

I gave up on the STD convo. He asked if the sex was good and I told him no. He chuckled, but I was serious. I asked him how he thought the sex was. I genuinely wanted to know, because I wanted to know what the other side thinks. If it was bad to me, is it bad for you? He said it was “aight”, but I think he was hurt because I said it was bad. Throughout the night he would change his response to “it was good.” “I had a great time.” “It was great.” Nigga what is it? It’s not a riddle…. I genuinely wanted to discuss with him how he acted. How he was using coercion. How that’s sexual assault. How that could turn into rape. How he wasn’t gentle. What he should try for future partners so they can actually enjoy the act. I tried so hard to be nice and open to him. But he rejected the help each time.

Let me say this, I think young men are psychotic. I think he thought I was playing hard to get or joking with him. But why would I? I’m grown as hell. I’ve had sex with you before. I pay my bills on time. I go to class daily. If I want to say something or do something, I’ll do. He told me to my face “I know you want to fuck me.” Sir, no I do not. That phrase was actually sick as hell to say. Throughout the night, again he was pushy. Forceful. He kept trying to finger me. Pull my pants down. Give me head. I repeatedly kept saying “No.” Turning away. I did not want to have sex with him. He was trash at sex and forceful. It was assault. Period. It was assault. Around 1 AM, I guess he finally realized that I was not budging on my set boundary and he left. I blocked him for good.

Coercion to have sex is assault. Coercion that leads to sex is rape. Read it again. If you have to continue to ask or try to finger someone, or keep kissing them, or give them head, or keep pushing up on them for them for them to say yes, just stop it. Does that not feel rapey to you? Are you really that horny??? You niggas don’t even have good sex, so what are you feening for? Sex is simple. You say yes and I say yes. Not, you say yes and I say no, so you try to change my mind. Not, you say yes, I say no and you think I’m playing or not serious. We’re adults. We’re in law school and despite that, niggas still don’t understand that no means no. If someone tells you not and you get angry, or move away from them, turn your back on them in bed.... that's manipulation and another form of coercion. Just accept the no and go on about your day.

It’s sick.

Coercion to have sex is assault. Coercion that leads to sex is rape. Period.

What’s crazy is, I tried to help someone who assaulted me. Someone who continually ignored my boundaries. Despite his outrageous character, I still tried to be nice. But what I realized in the coming days, was that I was assaulted.

Thursday: On Thursday my test results came back early. All negative. Thank you God.

Friday: I went out with friends. I didn’t really think about the events of the week.

On Saturday I woke up and worked out. I’m usually over the moon on weekends. I rarely have school deadlines to meet. The anxiety of a school day being the next day is usually gone. The weekends are usually my self-care days. My weekend workouts are also fun. I follow cardio classes in my living room, so I don’t have to walk to the gym. The classes usually feature rap, trap, R&B, and hip hop music so I’ll be in my living room turnt and getting in a good workout at the same time. Pure bliss. After my workout I felt great. I was admiring my body in the mirror because it was finally bodying, but as soon as I stepped out of the shower, I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks. I felt weighed down by cylinder blocks. Like I was drowning in an ocean, and someone didn’t want me to come up. I felt so inconsolable. I was so sad.

Then it hit me. Was I guilty for having sex or for having sex with him? Was I sad that I had sex or was it because I had sex with him? I was so secure in my decision a few days ago. Full circle moment, right? I had finally grown through my trauma. Finally mastered the lesson. So why did I feel so low???

I tried to fake the funk through lunch with my Big (law school mentor) and even through a “girl’s night” with a few of my classmates. But I was so sad yall. Like on the brink of tears sad. I didn’t even go out with them afterwards because I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown.

I can honestly say that I have been depressed before, but never like this. With this type of depression, all I wanted was comfort, but I couldn’t find solace anywhere. I had no one to talk to. No one who I felt would understand. Do I pour my heart out to someone here for the slight possibility that they would understand or comfort me, or do I continue to sensor myself for the salvage of my reputation here?

What I realized was, I was carrying heavy weight all week. I tried to mask it by entertaining new friends, but I wasn’t unpacking that weight with anyone. Sure, I discussed it for hours on end with Clifton and Camillia. I put out a few strongly worded messages on Instagram, but I was preaching. Defending myself. I wasn’t allowing the emotions that had bubbled up from 2017 until now to reach the top and come out. I just had a full circle moment. I lost my virginity to coercion and for the first time in my sexual lineage I told a man no. You aren’t satisfying me. You aren’t interesting to me. I would not like to spend anymore time with you and I would not to like to have sex with you ever again. To unpack having a lineage of sexual trauma to finally recognizing that that no longer has to be my view or engagement with sex is for lack of a better word….. a lot.

I didn’t have to regurgitate that alone, but in all honesty who could I talk to? Someone at school who would think that this was tea? They would focus on the “who I had sex with” rather than how I felt. My parents? My dad would probably stroke out if he heard I have sex. I love my mother to death, but after I told her I lost my virginity, her cold words still haunt me to this day “Jessie I am so disappointed.” She also has been really anal about my grades and study habits in law school. Heaven forbid I took a study break to have sex, bad sex at that, but she would probably lecture me about how I’m going to flunk out; and to salvage the last 3 brain cells I have before I have a mental breakdown, I would rather just keep this to myself.

Writing will always be a huge part of my healing. It was because of Your Curlfriend that I realized that this story aligned with the story of how I lost my virginity. It’s honestly “fuck a reputation at this point.” Law School is like High School Musical 4, and the growth I have experienced up until now has secured me within myself. None of these people here really know me. I’ve made my true friends. There is potential and possibility for me to make more lifelong and true friends, but I’m not going to fear gossip and rumors that will not aid me in completing this degree.

I had sex. With someone who was insecure, childish, extremely horny, pushy, irresponsible, immature and not open. But from that I had a spiritual awakening. I was able to test 19 months of growth and in the end I impressed myself and found security. I saw myself. For the first time since 2017, I saw the innocent girl from high school. She saw the secure woman I am today. We had an understanding that neither of us was lost anymore. It was time for her to be buried in peace and grown me to flourish in peace. We were at peace with one another. No longer was I fighting to find her. Fighting to be her once again. Too much growth has occurred for me to ever be her. She’s no longer this figment of perfection that I am chasing. She is me. A crucial part of my lifelong growth journey. A grounded remembrance of who I am and how far I’ve come.

I’ve made peace with myself. I know who I am. Someone who will not fear nor regret my actions. Someone who uses those experiences to inspire and relate to others. I’ll never be ashamed of something that has catapulted me closer to the woman I am destined to be.

This blog may be tea to some, but its my testimony. My growth journey. My healing. It inspires both men and women. It starts conversations that need to be had. It unveils mistakes that many think they should keep hidden. It provides comfort and relatability to those who have walked where I have walked. The motto always has been if one person feels me, then I’ve done my job.

So respectfully, this is me. Standing in my decisions and my truth. I am strong. I am smart. I am loving. I am capable. I make mistakes, but I do not let my mistakes make me. I am constantly growing daily and I will never give anyone the power to make me feel inferior.

Glow and grow,

Your Curlfriend