For All The Boys I Ever Kissed

Do you ever imagine walking into a hotel room with rose petals on the ground. Rose petals on the bed. Flowers everywhere. Balloons. Just the sweetest things packed into one space. All for you. The outpouring of love all for you. Someone who actually cares for you this much.

You paint these grand gestures and romantic scenarios in your head, then February 14th rolls around and you’re stuck at home scrolling through a million cute couple pics.

You may have even never had a Valentine, and sis that is okay! I am right here with you. This one is for us.

Wine suggestion: 7 Moons Dark Red Blend. I’m definitely a sweet wine type girl. I do not care for a bitter wine at all. This wine is smooth, not too bitter, not too sweet. Def a big girl wine. 13.5% ALC too? Oh sis, go get that!

Pour you a big glass and listen to “Loves Me Not” by Moody ft Clew. Thank me later. Happy Valentine’s Day Guys!

So this year my Valentine’s Day started off chaotic. My daddy got me and my mom gifts per usual. Go Black fathers! He then gathered us in the living room and gave us the most mundane speech. Slight happiness turned to negative vibes real quick. Chaos. I thought he was about to officially announce their divorce. It was extremely solemn. My parents are experiencing a rocky patch in their marriage, but they want to work it out. Being the only child and by COVID keeping us in the house all together, I’m stuck in the middle. Spending a year working on myself and genuinely wanting my parents to break generational curses of their own, I’m stuck in the middle. We spent the entire morning having an Iyanla, Fix My Life production.

Am I in a position to give good advice? Like what gives someone the credentials to advise others? Experience? Time? Trust?

Lately I have noticed more and more people have vented to me. Like laid out their entire life stories. Obviously, I wasn’t looking or asking for that to happen. I am thankful to be a listening ear and to provide comfort when needed, but this phenomena makes me wonder: What am I giving off to make people this comfortable?

Experience? Time? Trust? All of the above? By talking with my parents about how their childhood effected how they love each other today, I wondered how my childhood effects every relationship I’d ever had.

Let’s explore all 16 reasons why I’m qualified to give advice or possibly why I’ve attracted so many to pour their hearts out. Here are tips I’ve learned from dating and/or being affectionate with young men.

I really had to dig deep in my brain to remember 16 people, but I think that that is so sweet, my old sweet 16.

Read this section to “Girl” by Destiny’s Child.

My first kiss: Thilina

I would say “my biggest mistake” or not my finest hour, but Thilina is apart of my story, so no harm to the kid. Being an only child, I may have been impatient with him, but by being sheltered, I clung to him. When the obvious instructions were to run from him quickly.

Critical dating rules to always follow: Date someone who you have at least one thing in common with. It is true, opposites do attract, but relationships will never thrive if you can’t relate to anything together. Me and Thilina could not relate to anything, therefore, this high school romance sank faster than the Titanic.

High school sweethearts should remain in high school. The world is massive. Expand beyond high school.

I also do not date outside of Black men due to this man. Am I stating a message in that sentence? Who knows? Do whatever floats you boat, but the ancestors rocked that relationship for a reason.

2. Thomas

This one was before I was stupid for niggas. I was still pretty smart in this one. Ladies if you ever have an inkling that a nigga is crazy. LISTEN!!!!! 10/10 your gut is right on this one. Never let anyone challenge your beliefs or try to force you to do anything. As quickly as you leave a crazy one, the sooner another young man will be in your dms. I admire my strength here; can’t believe I gave out after this.

3-6. At this point I may start getting out of order. I’m going to start grouping as well because many of these young men start to become essentially the same person, just in different bodies. F, L, and E. Very weird situations to unpack here. The first year after you cross, the young men are very weird. Well let me elaborate, Greek young men are very weird. Some young women may actually fuck depending on the letters on a nigga’s chest. I could care less. So young woman who could care less vs. the nigga who name drops his frat after every other sentence. Very turned off, very unimpressed, very dry. I did not sleep with any of them. But I have memorable quotes from them. I’ll cashapp $5 to whoever can guess what frat they were in.

Memorable phrases:

“I only can fuck girls with a 3.5 GPA.”

“You gotta let me fuck, I’m the _____”

“You don’t like head? Just let me eat it”

7. J. Now this young man changed the direction of the blog, and for that, thank you young man. The lessons surrounding this kiss and situation should have changed me for the better early on, but often times you do not recognize lessons that are right in front of you. Therefore I would repeatedly fall for this lesson again and again. However, many of the lessons to come after this one had good memories, so I’m not going to beat myself up too much over this one.

Pro Tip: Never fall for a nigga who calls up old bodies and asks them to describe how good his dick is.

Ladies: never answer calls and brag on a nigga’s dick when asked. He may be trying to have you hype him up to the next girl or he wants you to stroke his ego.

Either way, its embarrassing to you. He is embarrassing you. And any young man who tries to get yelp reviews for his dick is a corny nigga.

Avoid corny niggas at all costs.

It can be argued that 8-16 are essentially the same young man. I believe God started playing with me at this point. Real “I’m trying to prove a point to you” vibes. The same repeated lesson of: Love yourself more, choose yourself first, stop seeking affection from emotionally unavailable men, run at the first red flag, etc. etc.

But there are still lessons to unpack here:

8. JS. Don’t date young men with kids. You deserve better. Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. You’ve been warned.

9. JW. Titles in college mean nothing. They do not translate to positions or salary post grad. Do not be impressed by potential. Always use condoms. Always, always use condoms. Routinely get checked after every sex partner. Block, block, block toxic people from your life. Three years later, they will hit your dm with pointless talking points in an attempt to who knows what? You’ll be annoyed and terribly embarrassing flashbacks will haunt you for a while.

10. DB. Remember my spiel about high school sweethearts? Just avoid everyone from high school. Whether you dated in high school or just have a high school in common. Avoid! Dismiss! Do not pass Go. High school is a very dark time. Let’s not relive dark times by rekindling a flame that should have never been lit. However this kiss did reveal to me that you should monitor what a young man admires about you. If he admires nothing, please follow the instructions of the Beatking, in his hit “Then Leave.” Very sound advice right there. I encourage several to follow this ingenious advice.

11. DW. Never drive out of your city for a nigga. Just don’t do it. Maybe do it once for vibes, but don’t book the hotel and drive to another city. Let that dumb moment die with me, don’t follow in my footsteps. This kiss taught me, that no matter how wrong you may be in a situation, some niggas will still continue to talk to you years later. Weird, but comforting to know.

12-14. Young men who are 30+ still act like niggas who are 20-23. I don’t make the rules, I just report the facts. Being that I have a degree in Biology with a minor in Chemistry, please do not try to knock my credentials when it comes to the scientific method. I know that at bare minimum, 3 experimental rounds can prove a theory. 3 young men, all 30+, or 28 at the youngest and it felt as if they were all still on campus with me. I wanted Daddy vibes and I got early 20s arguments. 0/10 would not recommend. You are better off with someone your own age. As a young woman who always dates older, please trust me on this.

15-16. The lessons from these last two are profound. Not because of the type of people they were, but because of the type of person who I was becoming. After 14 rounds, I think God was ready for me to listen. After mountains of heartbreak, after these two I was completely different. The two taught me to be free. To laugh in public. To sing in cars. To dance ever when I can’t. To be vocal when necessary. To put my pride aside in all things that matter. These two taught me to have fun. And if you find yourself having fun with your partner, then you’ve found something special.

I grew up with my parents arguing a lot. With each other and with me. Due to this, I believed that love was unaffectionate and cold. Love meant withstanding arguments and trials and tribulations. That is not love. Love is not hard. Love may have difficult patches, but love is never hard, when it is sincere.

My childhood plays a critical factor in how I approach relationships, how I feel love should be and how I’d like to receive love.

I know that I have a responsibility to separate the false narratives of my childhood from the realities of my adult knowledge.

I truly do believe in love. I do believe that it conquers all. Love truly is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. The old trick of time really does work, if you can’t replace love with your partner’s name in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, then you are not, and you should not fall in love with them.

On this Valentine’s Day remember love for all that is. Pure and happy at its core. Release yourself from anything and anyone that doesn’t bring your pure and utter joy. The person is never worth it in the end.

Trust me, I’ve learned that lesson 16 times. I definitely know.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love,

Your Curlfriend

---

---

---