"Everyone Else Reads"

 I don’t know when it dropped, but it finally did.  It’s like a blindfold has been taken off my eyes.  Like Eve and Adam in the Garden of Eden, finally able to see life for what it is.

I’m not sure if my frontal lobe took an additional two years to fully develop or if the last three traumatic years of my life caused a trauma induced epiphany, but it finally dropped.

The want, desire, and pull to have a man in my life has faded away.  I no longer care.

I truly believe I could live in a women-only utopia and be very content.

I never considered or explored how my desire for a man really consumed my life. 

I punished myself for years at the incorrect notion that I just pick bad men.  That every heartbreak was my fault.  A fault that I would have to carry for years.  Like Cersei being dragged through Kings Landing, food being thrown and Septa Unella yelling “Shame!” consistently. 

Since 2017, the inception of this blog, I have not let up on myself for past mistakes with men.  I ingrained a scarlet letter on my own chest.  Never extended grace and turned my back on myself.

The ultimate mistake.

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Someone recently came up to me in the gym and said “when’s the next blog?”  The question kind of surprised me for a few reasons. One being, I never would have considered this person to even read the blog.  The blog has caused quite a stir in the community I resided in while being in Louisiana, so I was under the impression that most in Baton Rouge simply didn’t fuck with her.  Nashville always supported.  Baton Rouge tried to get me kicked out of law school, so I was extremely warped by that comment.

The next being, I really hadn’t thought of Your Curlfriend in so long.  I was scared to write in Baton Rouge.  My truth, and my art haven’t been received well here.  It caused me to have a lack of interest in writing.  Which is astounding, because I love to write. It heals me.  It feeds me.  It has saved me and because of the environment I’ve been in—going on four years—it now sends my body into a stage of panic when I consider writing anything.  So, for peace, I pushed her out of my mind.

 Thirdly: I usually have a million things running through my head at once.  So, picking a topic or particular story to write about is never difficult, but from April until now, and even before, finding topics to write about in Baton Rouge has been more difficult than writing a response for a gumbo hypo.

“Do you have writer’s block?”, the person asked.  I wondered.  Do I have writer’s block?  Am I worried how pieces may be received?  Do I care what people will think of me after I publish something? Should I just stay lowkey and out of the way?

I had considered all the questions many times before, but in this instance the last question was the thought that rang true the most.

After Barrister’s Ball (law school prom--I was Co-Chair) in March of this year—I lost it.  I quite literally flipped my shit.  A 1L confided in me that my rapist had exhibited “scary and pushy” behavior towards her.  He told her triggering things that were verbatim to what he told me years ago before my assault.  For the first time, I felt validated, and from that validation came pure rage. 

I went off. 

I’m pretty sure I cussed out the May graduating class, all of my rapist’s friends, and any Kappa on my law school’s campus caught major strays when another student said “the Kappas said they have dirt on you” for speaking out. So yeah, I had a few words for the legal brothers in Crimson and Cream.

The school basically sent out a social media cease and desist tactic email.  I argued with the administration.  Super Fall of 2022 vibes.

Except this time, I wasn’t scared.  I was ten toes down for my cause and I wasn’t letting up. 

But from this, I vowed to myself that once the May class graduated, I would have nothing else to rage about.  I would be at peace.

And from that peace, would Your Curlfriend continue to have a place in my life while still in Baton Rouge, or would she contribute to the possible dismantling of that peace?

I anticipated the latter, so she was shelved.  Until I was asked “when’s the next blog?”  That question made me analyze why had Your Curlfriend been shelved? 

If those who caused me so much turmoil were gone, why was I still giving them the power to stifle or regulate my art.  My expression. 

Why did I care how I was perceived to a community of students and administrators who I was likely never to see again?

I was graduating. At this point, I had maybe seven months left in this town……

Then the dots connected.  Self-realization.  I had been detaching myself from men for a while up until this conversation at the gym.  I realized that my desire for a man goes beyond just men.  I desired to be liked and perceived well by everyone.  A people pleaser.  A tap dancer.  A desperate person for overall acceptance and praise.

But at what cost?  Yet again, I was abandoning myself.  I was being too hard on myself for past mistakes.  Did I rage in law school?  Absolutely.

Was it warranted?  A million times over.

Should I care how anyone thinks I should have handled situations?  Quite frankly no.

It dropped.  I abandoned the notions that I need a man.  Every man disgusts me currently.

I abandoned the notion that I had to be “respectable” while in law school.  Either you like me or you don’t.  Your loss.  Possibly your gain. 

But as of now, I know who I am.  I’m outspoken.  I’m passionate.  I’m intelligent.  I’m sexy.  I’m fine.  I speak.  Often and proudly.  And I don’t care who I offend or who doesn’t last on the journey.

I, like Your Curlfriend, am ever evolving and growing.  And at this stage in life, I can’t be ruffled by the thought of not being liked or perceived well.

It finally dropped.  The weight of caring for everyone in the world, except myself. Valuing the opinions of others over my own.  Using those opinions to navigate how I deal with life rather than being guided by my own compass. 

I know who I am.  Everyone else reads the blog to find out.   

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I bought a deck of tarot cards during the pandemic in 2020.  I never opened them until last year.  Today I did my first deck pull.

A three-card spread—each representative of the past, present and future. 

At the end of each blog, I’m going to share my pulls with y’all.  It’ll be an initiative to learn my deck and self more and it’ll also encourage me to write and pull more often than not.

My pulls:

Past: Ten of Pentacles

Everything in your life is coming together magically. No more stress-filled nights worrying about money or rent or your job. You’ve done the work required to create some stability. Your home is full of love, satisfaction and comforts. There’s no need to do anything drastic or radical, believe it or not. You’ve found some peace, Allow yourself to welcome it in.

I believe this card sums up my last year.  In 2023, I only wrote one blog entry.  It was a tough year, but it also represented my decision to always keep peace first in my life.  I believe I grew immensely in 2023.   

Present: King of Pentacles

The King has all they’ve ever wished and fought for, and all their material dreams have come to fruition.  Though they have so much, they are not miserly, but instead trusting and extremely generous. They love to see others succeed as they have, and will definitely be willing to lend a helping hand if needed.  If you are the King, don’t be stingy with your time and money.  Donate your skills, wisdom and possibly money.  You’ll feel truly fulfilled  after spending the time to help others.

I truly do currently feel like the King.  I’ve felt inclined to volunteer more and I’ve returned to my roots of just be completely transparent. If my story or wisdom resonates with someone, then job well done.  That’s how I’m living.  I’m soaking in the blessings and striving to just be an overall good person.  I’m shedding the need for anything else.

Future: Page of Wands

The Page is always bursting with new ideas, new things to do, new things to learn and study.  She wants it all, but doesn’t quite yet have the maturity to focus on following through with her fleeting passions.  Everything is possible and it’s exciting.  If the Page is you, you’re in an experimental stage, so try everything and follow your whims. Eventually you’ll find something that sticks.

All of these cards spoke directly into my soul, but this one perfectly summed up how I feel about my future.  I’m so optimistic and hopeful for my future.  When I think about my future, I’m only met with daydreams and cinematic clips portrayed in my head of a life with endless possibilities.  My biggest fear in life is settling.  I never imagine staying in one spot too long or having one particular chapter end my story.  I’m always yearning for “what’s next.”

Grow and Glow,

Your Curlfriend