During this season of my life, I’ve been very intentional about being alone. Complete solitude. Sticking to a rigorous workout schedule. Reading and preparing for classes. Meal prepping. Ensuring I eat before class. Taking my vitamins. Grocery shopping every two weeks. Getting to places early and calming myself so I don’t rush.
Through self-reflection I have learned that I lack discipline. I’m never consistent. Discipline is the purest form of self-care. How can I grow if I can’t remain consistent in my love for myself? I do not set hard boundaries; I constantly back pedal. I’m not firm. I can easily bend. This no longer was acceptable.
In this season I wanted to be very intentional with servitude to myself. Getting to know myself, believing in myself and ultimately being comfortable with myself in every form that I am.
I found that I have a seeking spirit. I’m constantly seeking. Seeking relationship with men. Seeking friendships. Seeking internships and career heights. Seeking purpose, etc. Seeking these endeavors is not always a bad thing, but I have learned that the harder you seek something, the worst you’ll attract. Everything on my list can be found organically. And everything on my list is already destined for me. Meaning, that if I step away from the constant need of being in control and the constant need of instant gratification then what I need most at that time will reveal itself and the void that I’m trying to fill will no longer be an urge.
But we can stifle this realization. I can say: “Oh, I’m a Capricorn; I’m an only child; I’m first generation everything, I’m crafting a life that hasn’t been lived in my family; I’m Type A; I’m Type 6….” The list could be exhaustive of why I overthink and craft my life in my head then forge on this one woman battle of instantly making what I want a reality. Staying in something that stifles your growth is a choice. Never evolving and masking your potential to grow with affirmations of “this is who I am, this is who I’ve always been, this is the category I fit in” are choices.
Staying comfortable comes from these choices. I chose to be uncomfortable. I chose to dedicate this period of my life to dismantling the areas of my life and self that needed to be changed. The areas that needed to be watered and weeded in order to produce growth. True growth that I would be able to feel not only through my actions but within my soul. I wanted to physically feel that I had shed old ways and was truly new.
During this period, I am focused on discipline, reflection, and acceptance. Here is a piece dedicated to scenes on that journey.
Friendship Is Essential to the Soul:
I made a friend in law school.
He portrayed himself to be a kind, caring person who would always look out for my best interests. Through words he would express how much I meant to him, how deeply he cared for me and how he would be there for me if I needed him.
Let’s pause. Let’s examine this from how my mind works. Here lies a man who is actively seeking my friendship at a moment where I am vulnerable (maybe unbeknownst to him—remember, we’re in my mind now). At this stage of life, I don’t have many friends, especially friends who seem interested or have expressed this level of intimate and loyal friendship. No friends, who unlike him, are pursuing a level of friendship with frequent hang outs and interactions. So, I chose this person to be my friend. I propped him up on a “Good Guy” pedestal based on words that were likable to my ear and there he remained until my self-work revealed what I had allowed to permeate throughout my life for longer than its intended purpose.
Pause over.
I had a strong friendship with this friend for two years. Within these years, I had expressed to him on several occasions the trauma my rape 1L year caused me. I told him of the trials that had persisted from this event. He was aware of my stances on rape, sexual assault and those who were passive in light of these issues. As a synopsis, this friend had been my diary for the past two years.
Pause: Remember how I said I lacked discipline? This friendship is an example of that realization. This friendship presented several red flags, before revealing the final gun shot that penetrated the end of it.
Red Flag #1:
I frequently speak about my rape on social media to bring about awareness, combat misogyny, and simply to tell my story to resonate with others and provide areas of safe space. Hit dogs also holler. After a post about my rape, a fellow student took it upon himself to spew paragraphs of hate, ignorance, belittlement, victim blaming and disgust in my DM in the wee hours of the morning. He went on to rant about how I was never raped, how I was lying, and how half a semester of Criminal Law had allowed him to surpass the law school stage, bar exam stage, swearing in stage, years of practicing law, and instantly made him Judge and Jury of my life. I told him off, to this day have never received an apology and we live our lives in perpetual silence every time he sees me in the law center.
Now of course I told my friend about this occurrence. The first red flag is that he constantly made excuses for this man’s behavior towards me. He excused every sentiment that his man expressed to me. He said he spoke to him after the incident and felt as though that conversation should garnish understanding and sympathy on my behalf. That I should forgive him for being uneducated of the concept of consent and rape, despite the other party being a well grown man. The friend and the other party remained friends.
Me, in a season of non-growth, remained friends with my friend.
Red Flag #2:
On one occasion while discussing my rape, I placed his sister in my shoes and asked him how he would handle a situation that involved his sister and her faux rapist. He said he would handle her rapist completely differently rather than how he deals with my rapist, because the scenario would be different if that was his sister.
I chalked the scenario up to he held family over friends. This felt logical at the time. I did not want to take steps or actions toward growth in this period, so this flag was overlooked.
Pause over:
My friend celebrated his previous birthday with the man who called me a liar about being raped. This year he was insistent that I celebrate with him. My terms were simple, I told him I would not attend his birthday dinner if he invited said person or any person who knowingly hung out with my rapist. This was not an ultimatum; he was free to invite and celebrate with anyone he chose to. However, I was in my period of growth. I was not allowing myself to be uncomfortable or in a space without peace in any aspect of my life. So, it was love to him, but I was standing on a boundary to myself. If anyone who lowered my vibration was in attendance, I would not be. He repeatedly assured me that no one who made me feel uncomfortable would be in attendance. He frequently ran down his guest list with me and I showed up.
Dinner went well and I was at peace. After dinner, there was to be a pre-game at his apartment and then we would go out to a club. We went to his apartment. We make toasts and all in attendance have shots and are in good spirits. I’m sitting at a bar stool near the entrance of the home but turned away from the door. I hear the door open and in walks a conglomerate of men. Out the corner of my eye it appeared to be a mass blob moving about the room. At the head of the group, I see the familiar face of a fellow student. I chalk it up to being a familiar crowd and look down to scroll on my phone. In an instant my friend is beside me and tells me to check my phone. On my screen I read “I did not invite them. I didn’t know they would be here.” Or something of the sort.
I’m confused. I can be a firecracker when needed so I’m thinking: “Does he want me to ask them to leave? What’s the problem?” So, I look up at him in confusion. “What do you mean?” I ask, but as I’m looking at him, I see my rapist enter the kitchen.
Oh.
Is the text a warning? My friend asks me to step outside. We go outside and he spews this saga about how all he cared about was keeping me comfortable that night and how pissed he was that a group of invited men were in his living room. In my head I’m thinking over and over “Just ask them to leave. If they were uninvited and its upsetting you, why not just ask them to leave? If you know my rapist is here, why not just ask him to leave?”
I quickly deduce that he has no intentions of asking them to leave, so I make the executive decision of asking him to retrieve my purse and I head to my car.
He calls me several times after I leave. I did not answer. He finally left me a voicemail asking that I assure him that I made it home. I sent him a text saying I made it home.
I decided then and there that he was no longer a friend of mine.
I would see him days later in the law center. No apology in thought or sight. Instead, I received a ramble about how he was so disappointed for the rest of the night that I was not there and how pissed he was that he had uninvited guests in his apartment. Uninvited guest who he still pre-gamed with and partied with in the club, along with the man who called me a liar about my rape.
Fast forward. After this explanation in the law center, I unfollowed him on social media. I mentally cut all ties and again concluded the friendship was done. I would later receive a text from him: “You unfollowed me?” Still being someone I considered who earned the respect of at least an explanation, I gave him one. I told him how I needed to stand on boundaries that I had in place for myself. One being not engaging on social media sites with those who were friendly or passive to my rapist. If I was holding this standard to complete strangers, how could I not hold them to a friend?
And this was something that I struggled with in the past. I could easily cut off a stranger or colleague who may have wronged me, but I gave oh so many chances to romantic partners, sisters, friends, and family members. Someone with an intimate connection in my life could garnish so much grace at my expense. I would pour so much compassion into others that I wouldn’t have a drop left for myself.
So, I was challenging myself. Here lies this man that I have on this pedestal, who isn’t complying with the love and loyalty that I told myself I deserved. Are we going to continue to strip ourselves and sit in willow every time we are challenged with an incident related to our rape or are we going to rise and squash any of the trauma that it will bring?
I chose squash. The ex-friend told me my stance was ridiculous.
Still being in the spirit of explanation, a few weeks later we would come together to discuss the transpiring of the night of his birthday. I knew that the friendship would still be at loss despite the conversation, but I still had enough love for him to try to educate him on the massive weight of his actions. He did not want to learn nor listen.
From the conversation he repeatedly tried to center, make clear and point out through phrases such as “I’m going to make this very clear or I’m going to make this simple for you” that he had no intention of asking my rapist to leave. He said that that night was his birthday, he did not traditionally celebrate his birthday for many years and since this celebrated birthday was so sacred he did not feel like he was obligated to give any thought to me that evening. He did not want to. It was his day, and he did not feel like he should have assured anyone else’s comfortability or safety that evening but his own. But all of this was centered on me. “It’s not about you Jess, it was my night.”
It's not about you Jess. I don’t care if you feel uncomfortable in the presence of your rapist. I don’t care if the passiveness of the men in the room makes you feel unprotected. Take a shot and celebrate your friend who has repeatedly said they would do anything for you.
Mind you, my rapist was a so-called uninvited guest. My rapist allegedly “barked” at my friend and this upset my friend to the point that he almost fought him. More respect is garnished for organizations than for a friend? Help me do this math, because I only went as far as AP Calculous in high school.
All I would have preferred that evening was for my friend to ask my rapist directly or his party, being that a representative of the party was supposedly a good friend of my friend, to leave. This request could have been polite, it didn’t have to a scene and it would have been warranted right? I mean if someone comes in your house uninvited, isn’t the logical thing to ask them to leave?
If the goal was to avoid confrontation, how are you comfortable almost fighting someone for making a noise, but too uncomfortable to ask an uninvited guest who raped your invited guest to leave?
The entire conversation was a heated discussion filled with an exhaustive list of excuses, examples of how organizations are higher than that of being a decent person and how men will constantly join organizations to uplift Black people (this includes Black women, if that wasn’t clear), will express through words how good they are, post poems, chants and affirmations about character and then in the face of utilizing that character and those morals, values, and principles will simply not give one iota of a fuck.
I guess friendship is essential to the soul only for those who wear purple and gold.
Let’s call a spade a spade. This friend knew of my trauma, begged me to be there that night and I never asked him to protect me or be loyal to me, but to see him simply say in so many words “I didn’t want him to leave so I didn’t ask him to leave” was hurtful.
The conversation also revealed that this friend didn’t believe I was raped. I asked him point blank “Yes or no. Do you believe me when I say I was raped?” He repeatedly said he wasn’t there so he couldn’t make a conclusion.
A shocking truth is that most if not all rapes are not caught on candid camera. Shocking, isn’t it? That a rapist wouldn’t record their escapades? Shocking that most people don’t speak up about their rape, because many family members, friends and close confidants will hold the same sentiments of “I wasn’t there so I can’t fully support you.”
And that is a numbing sadness that I constantly want to combat.
Scenarios such as these stifle voices and continue to allow misinformation, lack of education and pure ignorance to spread in the realm of rape, sexual assault, domestic violence and so much more.
It’s disheartening how so many people uphold misogyny, ignorance, lack of compassion and sympathy towards rape. Especially in areas of higher education that collide with law making and policy.
I walked away from a friendship. I stood on my boundaries and chose self. It was revealed that I never had a friend. The friend that I put on a pedestal was crafted in my head out of place a seeking. Seeking a friend who would support me. Protect me. Choose me. And through that seeking I gained a friend who was none of those things. A friend who wouldn’t choose me. Not on their day. Not on Tuesday, not on tomorrow. They don’t support me. I wasn’t raped, he wasn’t there. But he got brownie points for being friends with the girl who cried rape. He reminded me that he was my friend while everyone else talked about me. That didn’t make him better than the rest. I would have preferred he drug my name through the mud than looked me in the face and told me I was of no importance to protect in the face of my rapist on his day.
Those words will forever hurt, because the person I put on a pedestal would never say that to me. He loved me.
Right?
No. The person who said those things to me, with no apology ever intended to come is who I allowed in my space for two years. This is who I chose to be my friend. Instead of organically allowing someone worthy of being my friend and someone who I needed, this is what I chose.
I reclaim that decision and I leave strangers as strangers.
I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of myself for this new prescription of lenses on life. I’m proud to see those around me for the good and the bad that they bring to this life. I’m proud of the strength to remove those who do no good for me. I’m proud of the lessons.
From this story, I’d like you to take away this.
· Examine your stances on rape, sexual assault, and violence against women. If you are not willing to combat these areas or take a stance against them when challenged, then you are passive, cowardly, and not an ally to the cause.
· So many women AND men are affected by these occurrences daily. You should not have to put a loved one in their shoes to change your stance or simply care.
· Community service organizations are great for resumes I guess, but several orgs have you take oaths and have mission statements that are worthy of reading and abiding by. Idk, just food for thought.
· When you are about to grow, you will be faced with what is easy and what is hard. Choose hard, it’ll always be more rewarding in the end. You’re a rose under concrete, push past the concrete, there is sunshine on the other side.
· Always speak up and be you. I don’t care if it pushes people away. Stand alone. There will always be people admiring your tenacity and strength. People always thought that every Great was annoying or crazy. Be both.
· Also note to myself, stop explaining common sense sentiments to men.
Grow and Glow.
Forever yours,
Your Curlfriend
“Connie Spauling” up next……. Stay tuned.
