Delayed Apologies

I don’t count any boyfriends before the age of 23. Anything before 23 was not serious enough to make the cut.

I’m about to say I had a boyfriend, but as you now know, this man was not my boyfriend. Got it? Ok.

Freshman year I had a boyfriend for roughly 6-9 months on campus. I honestly had forgotten why we broke up until he reminded me. (I’m getting to this.) We broke up because I refused to have sex with him. Thinking back on it, this was a major issue in our relationship. I wasn’t ready to have sex and I could tell that he wasn’t the right one. My actual first also wasn’t the right one, but I really admire how headstrong I was at 18.

I remember now. We constantly debated on this. Took multiple breaks in our short relationship. He had family members telling him to break up with because I wasn’t having sex with him. It was a mess, and a true testament that sometimes young men aren’t shit solely because their family isn’t either.

I remember I invited him to have Easter brunch with my family. He’s in the family photo from that day; and I actually hate my family for not beating my ass and making me tell him to get out of the photo.

Never take family photos with your partner unless you’re married. I don’t care if yall have been together for 10 years. The second yall break up, now you have all these family pictures with their ass. Look at you; a certified clown.

Anyway, we broke up. That’s actually bad ass. I want to hug my 18 year old self so hard. He left me because I wouldn’t fuck him. I love it.

This was 2015-2016ish.

Fast forward to today. August 16, 2020. I’m creeping up on almost two years post undergrad graduation. I’m about to graduate with my Master’s degree. Since then, in undergrad I joined WOE, SGA, AKA, several big moments have passed. Both me and the young man are extremely grown………………… and guess who messages me on Facebook.

Now before we state the obvious, a friend had reach out to me months prior and said this young man was trying to get in touch with me.

Why? That is the only logical response. Contrary to popular belief, I firmly believe that when couples break up, no interaction with an ex is necessary. You were in my life to love me, now that that’s done, please enjoy your life over there and I will enjoy my life over here. That’s just me. Do what works for you. I, however, do not entertain exes. There is no bad blood. We are cordial, never rude, but we do not coexist. We exist as separate entities, leading separate lives.

So I was not gung-ho about any type of conversation, nor did I think it was necessary. At all.

Weirdly enough, just as the friend said he would, the young man reached out. He obviously doesn’t read the blogs, because he would know that I hate unexpected and unwarranted dms. We engaged in light banter. I was extremely dry, as I did not want to engage at all. Ultimately, he closed with an extremely long synopsis of our relationship and how he was sorry that he pressured me and ended the relationship due to sex. He touched on how he should not have let his family members influence him and how he respected my values and respected me as a woman.

Overall, it was very thought out and a good apology.

But my mind doesn’t focus on the positives. I could not escape the thoughts of: Why now, its been almost 4 years. Why is this still on your mind 4 years later, you don’t have anything better to think about? Has this really been eating you up for 4 years?

Most importantly: What am I supposed to do with this apology?

Closure is a commonly used excuse for final dick appointments, but is closure necessary?

What do we truly gain from delayed apologies?

I forgave the young man years ago. The apology no longer was about comforting me, but it had become about comforting him.

For whatever reason, something, probably guilt had eaten him to a point where he felt the need to disturb my peace and issue an apology meant for an 18 year old girl to a 23 year old woman.

The 23 year old woman cannot do anything with that apology. It doesn’t empower me to keep my virginity. Sadly, that’s gone. It doesn’t comfort me or incline me to admire him as a person. I have no feelings for him, unfortunately I never will. I am content with him not being in my life. That apology does nothing for me.

In comparison, he can now be free from the guilt that tormented him all these years. He can move forward knowing he may have made right whatever pain he may have caused.

Delayed apologies are not necessary. Closure is not necessary.

The main point of this piece is that actual peace comes from within. Old pieces prove that romantic partners can and will disappoint you. People will always fall short. People are capable of hurting you.

Only you can build yourself up.

Now I’m not saying all apologies are unnecessary. Apologies are much needed. Especially when we are hurt by our loved ones, they should apologize to you. Apologies show growth, compassion, and caring. They can be beneficial.

Delayed apologies are apologies that come one day too late. If you have forgiven someone for something and they come back around with the apology you always desired or even half ass apologies for situations that needed the apologies- those apologies can be kept.

Those apologies only plunge you back into the situation you already got yourself over. These apologies are no longer for you. These are actually selfish apologies as they benefit no one but the person delivering the apology.

The strength, courage and respect you gain from building yourself up alone is invaluable.

Never wait for the apology. Don’t expect or pursue closure. Apologize to yourself. Give yourself the apology you actually want to hear. The most thoughtful one. Make up a closure story for yourself. Do whatever you need to do to move on and better yourself.

Don’t dwell in low places. Use them to step up. Elevate yourself.

Place yourself so high that when delayed apologies come, instead of knocking you down, they breeze past you like air.

They’re so unnecessary that you don’t care about them. You are mature enough to accept them as being peace for those who delivered the message, not for you.

Excel past apologies that never come and be discerning for those that come too late.