Insecure

Read this blog while listening to “Garden (Say It Like Dat) by SZA. I can’t remember if I’ve written to this song before, but if so oh well, sis DID THAT. Listen to the lyrics, because that’s basically the gist of this piece.

I am insecure. No past tense, that is my current state. I struggle with that shit, even though I try to overcome it. It’s there. It’s a flaw. It’s my flaw. I compare myself to others way too much. I’m insecure about my body, but more so I’m insecure about love. That I’ll never find it. That I’ll never be good enough for it. This is my struggle, but I’m noticing something on this journey to fighting it.

In the last piece I said if you let something go and it is meant to come back, then it will. I wrote that line for me. Manifestation is the new word, right? Mentally I was only able to let my person go if there was a slight reinforcement of the idea that the person who I let go would come back. As I should have known with the success of the first piece, these pieces are never really just for me. So many can relate, and they actually are the same stories that many share. Which was the case with this past blog. A young man who my friend let go came back in her life. Unexpected; as niggas typically do. We’re going to cut him some slack though. He admitted his flaws and stepped up

My nigga came back on some bullshit per usual. So now my friend is getting the ending I manifested. Reverse Uno back to me, with a draw four and she just damn near uno-outted of the game. Like seriously she may get out the game one day soon. It’ll be Fuqua, party of one again.

Damn I have no man and a man just took my only friend. I hate niggas on god.

So how do you react when your friendship is parallel like this? When your friend is getting what you want, and you’re stuck in the friendzone.

Like this:

I am so happy for my friend, because she deserves this. When you’ve had the relationship trials that we’ve had then you rejoice when a young man FINALLY acts right. I praise her. I’m the cheerleader on the sidelines for this to work. I want it to work probably more than either of them do. Why? I love love. Especially sweet love. I see the stage they’re in and its puppy love. Pure and untainted by drama or trials. They seem very much into each other and the fact that I hate her ex only fuels my desire that this works. That this is real. That this becomes something and ultimately that she is happy. That she is cherished. That she is respected. That she is valued. That she is loved.

That’s what’s important to me that she gets what she desires and deserves.

That’s my point. In no way am I comparing myself to God, but the pieces are similar to blessings. Your blessing isn’t always your own, but it is yours to share. Sometimes even something you see as your blessing isn’t yours at all, it belongs to someone else, you are just witnessing it to see the power of God.

I’ve gone through relationship trials and tribulations to be an assuring steadfast voice of advice when my friend overthinks a text or a decision. I know what to stand for and what to let go now. I can be a better friend now. I can be the cheerleader on the side. With no bitterness, only support. I can recognize that this is her season to be blessed and I am to be blessed in other ways.

Meanwhile you’re the friend in the friendzone? He wants to be friends so your chalk that shit up and refocus your mind. You have too much to lose right now then to let a nigga steer you off course.

I wasn’t drafted this season. I wasn’t chose. I have no lil boo. This wasn’t my season. Next season probably won’t be either, but that’s ok because I have shit to do right now!

I want many things in life. Things I obsess over that do not matter and shit that I need to work for:

My wants that don’t matter (where my focus should not be):

I want a bigger butt.

I want a small waist.

I want thicker thighs.

I want defined abs.

I want a two door red Benz.

I want a man who loves me. Who does all the cute shit with me. Who loves spending time with me. Who I can tell what to do 70% of the time and who lets me take the lead, except in bed, he can be in charge there.

I want sex.

I want to gain 10 more pounds.

Things I want that I can control and work for (where my focus should be, the shit I have to get done):

I want to obtain two more degrees.

I want to move out of Tennessee.

I want to work in prison reform.

I want to impact lives.

I want to be successful in my current job.

I want to finish my MBA program with a strong GPA.

I want to invest in 4 stocks by the end of the year.

I want to not depend on my parents when I move out.

I want to be happy.

I want to be content in all areas of my life.

I have actual real ass goals. Surprisingly when I think of them, I do not see a man in the picture. I expect to stay busy. To actually work. Hard.

Now, can hard workers not have happy relationships? Of course they can, however I am a planner and I do not see the room for one. My point here is: My want for a man is simply a want and not a need. I have shit to do and no one is going to stop me from achieving those goals. If someone shows worthiness of being included within the chapter I am stepping into, then they shall be there with me, if not then they can get the fuck on. I mean that as disrespectfully as possible.

I haven’t had luck in the love area. I have been dogged and dragged and I’m honestly tired of the cycle. This has contributed to my insecurities, but I can no longer accept this. Storms only prepare you to deal with other storms. Storms also bring about blooms and blossoms. Whether you have had luck with love or not, you have been strengthened and restored by it. Lack of luck should not tear you down, yet build you up. Accept what is and try not to ever question yourself.

My statement was true. If you let something go and it is meant to come back, then it will. If you stop focusing on why love hasn’t found you and you do the shit you actually need to get done, love will come back to you. Be that love of an old hobby, love of a new job, love of a new degree, or even love of another. It will come to you in due time. Never let yourself become insecure due to lack of love. Be supportive, be the cheerleader, celebrate the love around you and one day it will come.

A watched pot never boils. Love will find you when you least expect it, and only then will it be the love you truly desire and deserve.

P.S: Ask me to write more. I was randomly asked to write a piece today. I felt like I had nothing to write about and about two hours later: Boom. I think I’m borderline crazy. Only because when I get the urge to write, a voice in my head literally starts talking out every line and I have to scatter to find my laptop to type before I lose the voice.

Inspiration or Psychosis?

Historically you will find though, that most inspirational women are a little off.

Enjoy your life yall. Drink water. Eat fruits and veggies. Do yoga. Smoke cannabis. Workout consistently for your health, the appearance will come. Always continue your education. Read books written by Black people. Laugh. Love. Destress. Listen to trap music. Take social media breaks and block that nigga today.

I love yall.