Queen Elizabeth I

Fun fact about myself: I love period dramas. Any movie that is depicted from the time periods of the 1600s through the 1800s, I can probably bet money that I’ve seen it. I have an unhealthy obsession with European monarchies and movies about them.

Queen Elizabeth I piques my interest.

Quick history lesson, I swear I’ll get on topic soon: King Henry VIII’s wife Catherine of Aragon could not produce a male heir to survive past infancy, only a daughter. It wasn’t her fault, but we’ll get to that. Due to this, King Henry lost use for his wife and began having affairs. He met Anne Boleyn and naturally wanted to sleep with her. Sis was not going. She wanted more than to be Henry’s mistress, she wanted to be Queen of England. So, she denied Henry sex until he divorced his wife and married her. A divorce was not easily obtained during this time, in fact it was not permitted by the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church was the highest reigning power of the land in addition to the monarchy. Often, the Church controlled the monarchy. Funny how religion has always influenced politics. (Let me not get too woke.) Anyway, Henry broke away from the Catholic Church and formed his own, The Church of England, to get his own divorce and finally do what he wanted. This man was horrible, but ENERGY. Two snaps. He dismantled the entire structure of the law of the land for vagina! Anne Boleyn, hats off to you sis.

Sadly, Anne did not win in the end though. She was only able to conceive a daughter with Henry, Elizabeth I. This upset him and he did everything in his power to get rid of her. Including spreading rumors about her, involving incest, and ultimately beheading her. He killed the woman he changed the course of history for. Niggas have been absolute idiots since the beginning of time. Henry had a plethora of wives after Anne. Killed another. Separated often. Biology allows us to now know that the misfortune of many of his wives only conceiving girls was due to his sperm and ultimately his fault. Henry however did have a son who succeeded him on the throne. However, Henry’s demise is that both his daughters eventually became Queen, a fate he believed would never happen. One of those Queens was Elizabeth I.

Queen Elizabeth I reigned for 44 years. Her reign has been described as the “Golden Age”, as she brought about many successes and advancements for England. The most remarkable thing about her reign is that she never married. The example of her father turned her off to the concept of men. To the dismay of many, she refused to bend political views or release power by taking a husband.

She had one of history’s most celebrated reigns and did it all while single.

On May 1, 2020 I think God slapped me. I know he wanted to do it for a while. I know Cam wanted to slap me for a while too. I’m stubborn. I’m the type that is told something a million times, but I only listen when I wind up fast down against the pavement from getting hit hard with it. So, I guess I needed to get slapped. I guess it was time.

Start reading this blog while listening to “Don’t Mean It” by Tyler Dumont.

During this time, I was working at home. Quarantine was semi being taken serious by the country, unlike now. Things were shut down. There wasn’t much to do. I was texting The Baller almost daily. It had become routine. That morning was different though. I got slapped and dots started to connect. He had moved back home due to the outbreak and I took that as my cue. If things are meant to be something, then they’ll be. So, by letting something go, if it’s meant to come back it will. I, however, had no intentions of this coming back. I was inclined to just be honest and let it go. Forever.

So, I told him it was best if we stopped talking until, he was able to come back to Nashville. In my mind I projected this to be a long time with the virus. As of the recent news, I was extremely correct. Ugh, my mind!

I felt like God told me to let him go and focus on me, so I did. For whatever reason, God said it was best if we weren’t in each other lives.

I sound content and strong but best believe for a couple weeks in May. I was a mess.

I felt like a drug addict going through withdrawal. I almost broke down and tried to text him a few times, but I stayed strong and I’m actually proud of myself when I think back about the strength that took. Like I said, talking to him had become routine and now that routine was broken.

If you want to follow the vibe of this blog, play “You’re Not Good Enough” by Blood Orange.

Prior to this relationship severing, I felt a tug to come back to God. I’ve blogged about it a million times. I was lost. I wasn’t myself. I felt like I was fighting tooth and nail to finally feel like myself again. I even got a glimmer of who that was after Paris. But after Paris I made no changes in my life, so how could I possibly change internally if I hadn’t changed externally?

I felt called to pray. I was so ashamed because I didn’t even know how to speak to God anymore. I couldn’t ask for anything, I had been away for too long. I couldn’t just strike up small talk, I had been away for too long. I pride myself on being an active church participant every Sunday, but where is the glory for the saints who attend church, but cannot even speak to God?

I remember just saying “Help me Lord” repeatedly throughout prayer. I couldn’t muster anything else for weeks of consistent prayer. That was my only prayer. Just “Help me Lord”. I guess that was all God needed to hear because those three words reintroduced myself to me.

I dropped someone who I wanted, but who didn’t want me. I discovered my calling in life and everything seemed to move for me to accomplish that goal. I began studying in preparation. I was called to study scripture and stay in constant prayer along this journey. I began to study scripture and finally bought my own bible. Just for me. Just for my growth. I rekindled old hobbies and developed new ones. Reading had always been my escape and now we were reunited again. I started to learn how to cook. I became a plant mom. I fell in love with yoga. I became amazed with the potential of my body and how breathing affected every aspect of our lives.

I became spiritual. In touch with the energies around myself and others. I hold energy and frequency very highly and adhere to the auras that people give off. I found the gym again and fell in love all over again. Fell in love with my natural hair. I’m forever Your Curlfriend, we just got tired along the way. We’re back now.

I stepped my weight up. Drop a fuck nigga and get your weight up! Period. Except I didn’t have a fuck nigga, but I just felt like Caresha inclined me to type that. I went from 111 to 128 lbs. I’ll be selling the weight gain plan soon! I’m seriously in the most not serious way joking.

I prayed over my job and will you believe that I got a new one? An entire year of job searching and all I needed to do was trust God?

I relinquished the control I thought I had and gave it to God. It was scary. Terrifying actually. I never give up control. Ever. I can’t. I was an only child. I got everything I wanted. I never shared. I had my own. I never had to compromise. Folks compromised for me! I never had to really work for anything. I was always smart. I always went to great schools. I ignored the blessings that were right in front of me.

Michelle Obama said that her first job was “a soul-killing routine that went on for 8 hours a day, five days a week and served as possibly the single most reinforcing reminder that going to college was a good idea.”

I have never resonated with a statement more.

I am thankful to Service Source for providing me with the income to pay for my Master’s degree and the opportunity to work with great people. That’s about it.

I feel like God had been calling me for a while to come back. I just wanted to be in control so badly that I didn’t know how to let go. I kept repeating the same mistakes. Talking to the same type of guy. Hoping that a new job would fall into my lap. Hoping that I would up and recognize myself again.

All of those things require work. Dedication. Faith. I had none, so God put me on a ferris wheel. Destined to go in the same circle, make the same mistakes, talk to the same type of guy, hopelessly wish for a better job, and hopelessly search for myself despite myself being right in front of me, until I got sick. Nauseous. Disgusted with being on this endless ride. I truly believe it would have been endless too. Time is not a concept created by God. I believe he would have left me there. God gives us all sense and if I wasn’t going to use mine, then that was my destiny. To forever ride that ferris wheel until I had enough sense to get off at the next opening.

May 1, 2020, I got off. I’m so thankful for that day. For the wisdom that I’ve gained. For the growth that I’ve endured. For the person who I’ve become. For finally feeling like myself again. With ideals that are my own. With confidence for all I am and what I can become. I am finally at peace.

To further the vibe play “Cold” by Rico Nasty

In two short months I feel happier than I’ve ever felt in life. I am closer to friends and family than I have ever been in 23 years. I have never felt closer to Cam and I know that she is my true friend for life. We don’t always agree but our communication should be the example of every relationship. We can talk out anything. I think God uses her as my example of how to communicate.

My mother is the example of how one should be as a wife and mother. In these past two months I have studied her more than ever before. She deserves the world and I wish her nothing but happiness in this life. Many of her traits that I preserved as docile and meek are actually the strengths she posses to excel in both capacities.

My cousins, though older does not make them wiser. For the first time, I have examined them. They experience many of the things I do and often they handle it the same way or more poorly than I do. They are human. These figures who I saw as older and above me are finally transparent. They’re beautiful and deep and regular people. They’re family. Untouchable and dear to me. I wish happiness and blessings to all of them.

Family remains constant when the world fades away. Though there may be differences, love and compassion should transcend all else. These people are YOUR people. Your blood. They are precious and they are our opportunity to become better people. A differing family should give one access to learn how to break generational curses, learn effective communication skills, and give you the ability to empathize.

My family is small and precious, and I have a newfound love and respect that grows for each member daily.

I feel connected now. Centered. At peace. In tune.

Happiness is a choice. Growth is a choice. Finding yourself again only runs the risk of losing yourself again. You have to stay connected to who you are daily, otherwise you’ll be lost.

You need your outlets to stay centered. You need God to stay strong. You need your family to stay connected. You need faith to keep them all in order.

You may fall. Emotions are a bitch. There will be days when you want to text him. There will be days when you want to cheat. To cut corners. I’ll skip the gym today. I’ll study tomorrow. God knows my heart; I don’t need to pray.

One misstep can you lead you down a new path. A path that isn’t promised for you. A path crafted by the devil.

God’s path is promised for you. It requires work to get through it. There may be disappointments, but its worth it. It’s yours. Something only for you. Take it. It’s yours. Get off the damn ferris wheel and just take it! It’s right there! Everything you want is right there!

Everything you want is attainable. Just take it.

I saw a tweet that read: “This chapter in my life is called: when God is giving you what you ask for, don’t let the devil distract you.”

I’ve never read something truer. I’ve fallen off in my healing journey, I won’t lie. It’s the devil. The current time is so precious to me in this journey. I have been blessed 10 times over in less than two months. I have come to far and I have too far to go to let this be the stopping point.

My prayer to whoever reads this is that you live. Truly live. Live each day beautifully. Attack each bad day with positive energy and reclaim your happiness. Choose happiness.

I started off this blog with a history lesson about Queen Elizabeth I. Sis was a bad as fuck white woman. She did what she wanted with no man.

And the pick me trait in me is that I always saw a man with me in the future. If he comes, he comes. If things are meant to be, then they’ll be. But until then, I’m finally content with it just being me. Me in control. Somethings will never change, and I’ll always find comfort in control. This is my season to just focus on me. To become all I am and all that I can be. To laugh, to cry, to love. To just be absolutely and above all else me.

To create a life that one day may be celebrated, even if it was created all while being single.

End this blog while listening to “Just Me” by LION BABE.