No Filter

So it’s April 13th.  The wee hours of April 13th.  All I want to do is go to sleep and this young man who I am with will not stop talking.  I’m in a torn battle of kicking him out, or just going to sleep.  Will he notice if I just shut my eyes?  Nigga can we do this when the sun is up?  He’s discussing a wide array of topics.  They’re interesting, but I am sleepyyyy.  I think I like when he’s intellectual, even though he isn’t shit.  However he does drop jewels that stand out to me in my sleep deprived haze:  He makes the statement: “After 4 years will you be able to say I accomplished all I wanted to in undergrad or do I wish I had more time?”  Does this nigga look up quotes.com before we link up?  He always sounds like a philosopher.  Damn.  After 4 years will I be able to say I accomplished all I wanted to in undergrad, or will I wish I had more time? 

Vibe out to this piece with “The Internet” station on Pandora.  It was the best gem I found this year. Straight vibes. Straight mood music.

As I look back at the past year, I can truly say I am so blessed. Within the academic school year I accomplished all my goals….except for raising my GPA. C’s get degrees is truly the motto.  I prayed to God to reveal what my purpose in life is and in typical biblical fashion all the signs were already in front of me.  I love to write.  I love to create.  Creation is my passion.  Not Biology.  Not Chemistry.  So my grades are a reflection of “Jess, this isn’t for you” they also reflect “Jess, you’ve given up”.  Best believe I gave up in Physics, I’m just happy to be done.  Write “Thank you Laude” on my diploma.  I have to live for me, not my parents.  And though I strive to make them happy, art makes me the happiest.  Writing makes me the happiest of happiest.  I feel safe in margins and radical in text.  If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.  Cliché, but I decided that when asked, “What do you plan to do with your life?”  Instead of the typical “I’m going to be an OB/GYN” my new answer would be “I’m going to be an Author.”  I always wanted to say it and God finally gave me permission to. 

A year of blessings:  I launched my baby, my website ‘Your Curlfriend’.  God, how I love her.

I became Treasurer for my chapter of my sorority.  I was also Paraphernalia Chair as well as AKA Week Decorations Chair.  The student center was fye for AKA Week okuurrr.

I was the Photoshoot Chair for WOE Week.  Our ‘Insecure’ theme was fye. Period.

My grandest accomplishment this school year was becoming Student Election Commission (SEC) Chair for next school year. Ya girl is gonna have an office. Okurr.

Did you accomplish all you wanted to in your 4 years of undergrad?

In the past 3 years:

I joined The National Association of Colored Women’s Clubs, Incorporated, Women of Empowerment, The Frankie J. Pierce Federated Chapter

I became a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated

I am a member of the Honor’s College (After this semester, am I?)

I have consistently been in SGA, my entire tenure at TSU.

I am a member of the NAACP

I will complete the BS/MD Program at Meharry Medical College this summer.  I have consistently been in this competitive program for the past 2 years.

I think I’m a poppin’ lil social piece on campus.

I’m popular right?  Have a lil clout? It doesn’t matter, but I think I’m a social butterfly.

Had I prayed sooner, I would have changed my major to English, but I think after 4 years I will have had a pretty good ride.

Did you accomplish all you wanted in your 4 years of undergrad?

Did you secure an internship that will leave you a job after undergrad?

What are you going to do after undergrad?

Did you meet your husband in college?

Going back to mommy and daddy?

Now that you realize bio isn’t for you, what you gonna do with that degree?

How you getting into grad school sis? When you studying for the GRE?

Who can write you a rec letter?

Tell Joe you’ll be at Express forever.

You gonna be the type to stay on campus after you graduate?  In all the undergrad groupmes?

Yikes…..Did you accomplish all you wanted in your 4 years of undergrad?

Or do you wish you had more time?

If no one else says it, I will.  I am damn proud of myself.  I am no longer the shy little girl I always have been.  TSU made me step out of my comfort zone.  She made me find my voice and she made me use it.  I love me.  I fell out of love with myself.  I cried countless tears, felt worthless and I found me again.  I rebuilt myself.  I’m still building, I’m still learning, but I’m growing and I found that strength at my time at TSU.

I discovered what was for me.  And what wasn’t.  I discovered who was for me.  And who wasn’t.  I lost friends, people I loved.  God has a way of rearranging things when you need space to grow.  I’m thankful. 

I may have a degree I don’t use.  I may have a degree I do use.  But above all else, I’ll have a degree.  A black woman with a degree.  Sounds lethal.  Sounds empowering.  Fuck everything else, neither one of my parents has a degree.  This is OUR degree.

I prayed for God to reveal my passion.  God blessed me with talent.  Our gifts serve purposes so I’ll leave it in his hands.  I know he’ll take care of me.  If God has me, how can I fail? 

Live with mommy and daddy?  We kicked it for 18 years; Andrea and Earl are good in my book.  I can’t struggle too early when my mommy still does my laundry.

My husband? Ha. I laugh.  Young men ANNOY me.  To my first:  FUCK YOU. No filter.  I’m mad.  Big mad.  FUCK YOU AND YOUR NEW GIRL TOO.  Tell sis come talk to me when her puff is anything compared to mine.  Yall cute though, prosper. Lord deliver me.  Someone hand me a wine glass, filled to the brim.  Break this curse of us caring about our firsts.  And break this curse of us having to be the bigger person, its ok to be mad.  Drink away the pain sis.  Cuss him out in all caps.  It helps, I promise.

In all honesty, I don’t care about the new girl, and I’m the first to say leave her out of it, but that felt so good to type. 

To the young man this piece opened up mentioning:  Mr. Thompson, you know what your real name in my phone is:  FUCK YOU.  PERIOD.  I HAVE HATED YOU/NOT HATED YOU FOR A YEAR.  Bye. Peace out.  Be gone.  You sicken me.  Not really, but I hate you bro.  I wanted you so bad, for whyyyy?  Lord deliver me.  I saw the light. I’m so glad I did.

To anyone: If you think I talked to you before May 11, 2018, jokes on you.  It never happened.  Quit lying on me bro.

A husband? Yeah a joke. A fraud.  A scam.  An emotion, I’m not familiar with.  Next question, next topic.

Will I be back on campus?  Catch me tipsy at homecoming.  Straight Alumna status.  I adopted a few kids I’ll have to check up on as well.

Did you accomplish all you wanted in your 4 years of undergrad?

Or do you wish you had more time?

In summary.  Yes.  I have accomplished all I wanted to…..so far.  Hopefully after this last year I can say yes full heartedly.  Do I wish I had more time?  Only in the sense that, I am scared of the next step.  The unknown.  But I put my worries in God.  I have nothing to fear when I am at his will.  My journey is coming to a close and all I can do and should do is be thankful.  I am oh so thankful for this journey and what is to come.

To anyone feeling discouraged about their grades, or their relationship, or lack thereof, or personal relationships, your job, any worry you may have, cast it to God and let go. Vent it out TO GOD.  Do what you have to to get it out and leave it with God.  Your steps are guided.  Everything happens for a reason.  No one is perfect, but you are perfect.  You’re loved, you’re strong and you will be everything you ever imagined.

By now, switch to Drake’s “Nice for What” and cut up.

This summer, I declare it to be the best yet for everyone.  Pool parties.  Cook outs.  Safe sex.  Lots of pictures.  Hella smiles.  Dances that are absolutely horrible but leave you laughing.  SO MANY LAUGHS.  So many tears of joy.  Stacks of money made.  Hair laid.  Hair a mess.  No makeup Mondays.  Fuck that nigga Friday; I’m going out with my girls.  Just pure perfection and happiness all summer long.

To all my soon to be Seniors, I’m declaring this our year.  Live your summer to the fullest and grind all next year.  Cherish each moment like it’s our last, technically it is.

Be blessed. Stay Overdressed.

-YC