Guess Who's Back

Please read this with “Girl” by the Internet playing in the background or through your headphones.  My favorite song and the soundtrack to my Spring Break.  Honestly if I ever become Issa Rae, this will be the intro song to the first scene of my show.

Hey blog, oh how I have missed you.  For the past six weeks I had given up alcohol, social media and other outlets that I put above God for Lent.  Lent is a period of reflection, one usually gives up something and should fill that void with reflection and prayer.  Throughout Lent I have read a daily devotional and started working out.  Who doesn’t dream of abs and a poppin’ booty?  My girl is poppin’ if I do say so myself.  All praise be to Planet Fitness’ glute machines.  I had anticipated weekly meditation sessions, but I’m a Capricorn: Constantly planning, working, thinking, stressing over everything.  I am always busy.  Always.  I barely see my bed and have been sleeping in my contacts way too much lately.  Which is crazy, because I recognize myself again.  I am the overachiever.  The nonstop worker bee.  The creative one.  The over-dresser.  I’ve finally put effort back into my outfits!

Months ago I was the sad little heartbroken girl.  Woo is me, I’m going to die alone.  I’m never going to find love, blah, blah, blah.  I don’t know when I got over it or if I am even over it, but one day I stopped thinking about the situation.  I focused on my fast.  I focused on myself, and suddenly things became better.  Things became normal.  I didn’t think about running into him on my way to work, I focused on making it to work period, because I’m always racing the clock.  I became busy.  I became me again.

I made it through midterms.  That’s all we’ll say about that.  I got much relaxation over spring break.  While everyone looked crowded and std-ish in Miami, besides my friends who looked hydrated and glowing, I took a family vacation cruise to Jamaica.  Much needed, I can’t say it enough.  A very grown and sexy type of destination for spring break.  The island was so beautiful, but poverty engulfs Jamaica and it made my heart go out to the locals.  Everyone should be so thankful for their homes, their jobs, their way of life.  I cannot imagine being in a predicament where a dollar brings me so much joy.  One single dollar.  The people we encountered were so grateful for mere change.  Scenarios like this keep me humble.  My favorite part about the vacation was the peace.  The quiet.  There is zero cell service in the middle of the Atlantic.  So for an entire week there were no texts, no calls, no groupme alerts, nothing, nada.  As an only child I admire alone time and quiet.  Just time to myself.  I love my roommates to death, but there are just times when I want to be the only person in the house, no one else.  I don’t even want to be alone to do something, just to be still and to be quiet.  As an over-thinker, peace and quiet also calm my thoughts, it puts me at peace.  I’d like to think I was Hemmingway, or Toni Morrison as I sat on the balcony of my mom’s stateroom and overlooked the ocean as I wrote.  Can you picture it?  Now instead of a typewriter and notepad, in typical 21st century fashion, I did use my phone to jot my thoughts, it was kinda like Shakespeare writing by candle light admiring beauty. 

What I wrote:

 Life is like the ocean, far and wide.  Beautiful, vast, captivating.  It can take away any worry you may have.  It centers you.  The ocean reminds you the world is much more than the now.  The ocean is far greater than what your eye beholds as you look into it.  I think I’m an ocean person.  I aspire to live near the ocean.  Spring break gave me the Atlantic, and she gave me peace.  Feeling the sun kiss my skin, and the wind wrap around me.  It left me with no worries at all.  I love the feeling the atmosphere gave me.  Starring into the horizon I couldn’t think of Biochemistry or AKA or SEC or any responsibility I left on the shore.  It was bliss.  I wanted this for life.  I had to keep this for life.

Deep conversations bring me to climax.  As a writer, words are my captivator.  I’m not interested in small talk, which is why I’m probably awkward.  I want to learn something new, hear something emotion filled.  I want to be captivated.  My family usually isn’t big on deep conversation, but surprisingly we’re getting better.  To hear my mother and aunts open up about their childhood is saddening, but beautiful.  It gives me a glimpse into who they really are.  Do you really know your family?  Why do you love them?  Because they’re your family?  Because you’re supposed to?  Our voyage to Jamaica gave me a new perspective on my family.  Deep conversations were sparked and that showed me them.  I knew a little better.  Why we acted the way we do, why we are who we are, and that’s why I love my family.  Not solely by the blood we share, but also but also by the common stories we share.  Their stories are captivating and beautiful beyond compare.  Whether they are painful or stories of joy, I’m thankful to know them.  I’m thankful for my family and grateful for our little spring break vacation.

            Life is too short to stress and cry over the boy who broke your heart or the boy who didn’t follow through.  It’s too short to get mad over something that won’t matter in 5 years, honestly the only thing you should ever be beefing over is your GPA if you’re in school.  Pick fights with your professor.  Fight for that A, not something petty with someone on campus who won’t be signing your checks one day.  Life is even too short for social media.  I haven’t taken a selfie in so long.  I barely took any photos in Jamaica.  I would have rather had camera pictures to frame, which is probably where my money went, on family photos and frames.  I don’t miss social media.  It’s still toxic.  I did see a few pictures from friends and while I was in sneakers with a fanny pack hiking mountains, my line sisters were cute in their bikinis down in South Beach.  Honestly it made me jealous.  Was my spring break not perfect?  Absolutely.  But that’s social media it wraps you up in coulda, shoulda, wouldas.  If I went to Miami could I have worn this, posted this, got this many likes?  Girl who the hell cares!?  Fuck social media in the bluntest way possible.  I lived in the moment and I think that’s where I should be.  I like who I am in the moment.  I like not being in the loop of this and that.  Did you see this?  Nope.  And that’s ok.

            Cleanses are good for the soul.  They’re needed to bring you back to center.  Back to reality.  Back to you.  They show you how strong you are.  How you can say no and remove things that were once habitual.  The season of Lent showed me that life is precious.  Life is greater than any current worry I have.  Life should be cherished.  I love my family immensely.  I love my mom and dad like no other and would sacrifice everything for them.  I see now how much I take them for granted.  How selfish I can be.  During AKA Week, when I decided to take on more than I could chew and play Decorations Chair, my daddy was right there.  Lifting, sacrificing time, so I could be prideful and say “Yeah I DID THAT”. I love that man, more than he will ever know.  I often forget that the burden of taking care of my grandma falls on him.  Life is so different now.  I love coming over and seeing her smiling in the living room, but I have never pondered on the trials that my parents may go through to care for her.  This season has shown me I need to be there more for the people who love me unconditionally.  More trips home, more helping while I’m there and more family time.  I lost myself.  I lost myself to someone and to things that bring no value to my life.  Someone and things that do not and will never care for me in the capacity that my family does.  I pray I am strong enough, and on the path to become strong enough to never let that happen again.  To never lose myself.  My self-value, my self-worth, no part of me. 

            I get Lent now.  It opens you up and shows you what matters.  Lent gave me realization.  My eyes were opened.  I saw friends become acquaintances.  I saw people’s true colors.  I was able to decipher between situations that needed my presence and those that didn’t.  I let go of relationships that did me no good.  I spoke up for myself more and put my feelings first.  In short, I grew. I saw that Jesus died for me to live a life in which I am thankful.  To be thankful I must know what I am thankful for and now I do.  I’m back.  Over the summer I said I wanted to find that girl who I was.  The one in high school who never had guy drama, the young and naïve one.  I was wrong.  I like the woman I am now.    I am no longer a little girl.  I like knowing what I know now, now I can’t repeat mistakes I’ve made in the past.  I like that I’ve owned up to those mistakes and instead of regret I just have lessons to keep me strong.  I’m becoming the woman of my wildest dreams.  Strong.  Confident.  Respected by her peers.  Thoughtful.  Efficient.  And wise.  Thank you.  Thank you God.  Thank you mom and dad.  Thank you Joy and DeeDee. Thank you to every young man who has entered and left my life.  Thank you to anyone who has had an impact.  I like who I’m becoming, she’s such a breath of fresh air. 

Happy Easter to everyone!