This What Yall Been Waiting On?

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time”- Maya Angelou

            Heartbreak can leave us empty. Cold inside.  Full of hate for the person who caused your pain.  You cry. And you cry. And you cry. And you cry.  You ugly cry.  You Kim Kardashian meme cry.  You become Celie in the Color Purple and start cursing his existence.  “Until you do right by me, everything you do is gonna fail!” You get around your bond sisters, the crazy ones, the ones who you know will ride.  The “pull up” ones.  The “slash tires” ones.  The ones who you know in this state will hype you for anything you decide to do.  Break into his place? Bet.  Pop up at his job? Bet.  Go full out Bernadine in Waiting to Exhale on his ass. Betttttttt. 

            But then you get sad again.  You have to get rid of him.  Because in your mind, you know what is right and you know what is wrong.  And above all, you know what a felony looks like and orange is not your color sis.  You just have to let him go.  That’s it.  That’s the plan.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Clear your head.  Heal.  So what do we do?  We block him on all social media.  We hide the mutual groupmes and Apple doesn’t want us to be great, because you can’t find the block button for his contact.  You also can’t delete his number because Apple also pops up with that: Maybe [Inserts his name] feature.  No Apple it’s not “Maybe [Him]”, you and I both know it is him! And I deleted his number for a reason, stop playing with me.  Run me the area code and the numbers, so I feel like a boss for deleting him.  Better yet, run me the block button that I can’t find, because this “fingers crossed” that one day he won’t pop back up isn’t good for my sanity or the progress I’m attempting to make by blocking him out. 

On December 2, 2017 at 2am, a month and some change before my 21st birthday, I lost my virginity.  You won’t know it, but I just took the longest pause starring at my computer.  That was one of the hardest sentences I ever had to write.  Here we are kids, I’m a virgin no longer after 20 years.  For so long that word defined me.  I let it define me.  I let it make me.  I judged people.  I felt better than people.  I put myself on a this high little pedestal because I could say “No one’s ever had sex with me, hahahaha” and skip along about my merry way.  I was immature.  I was a child.  Everything I thought I knew about sex was wrong.  I thought I was immune to the cliché story of “Your first is gonna leave you”.  My first could never! Do you know how bomb I am?  Do you know who I am?  Jess, baby, I wish that someone could have tapped you on the shoulder to tell you, that sweet heart, you are just like everyone else and you need to build up some strength, because this young man is going to hurt you deeper than you can imagine and you let it happen to yourself too.  Keep this same energy when you go from thinking you are bomb to thinking you’re not good enough.  Let’s proceed with the story:

Sooooo.  Remember in the last blog where I screamed: NIGGA YOU CAME TO ME, I WAS REALLY FINE. Let me emphasize:  NIGGA *claps* YOU *claps* CAME *claps* TO *claps* ME *claps* I *claps* WAS *claps* REALLY *claps* FINE!  My first had always flirted with me since I met him.  Harmless, typical flirting.  Heart eyes in my dms.  Occasionally texting.  Nothing serious.  This went on for about a year.  Towards the end of that year, his dms got a bit more bolder.  I remember I tweeted something like “I’m about to become a savage, because niggas annoy me more and more each day.”  And I got a dm from him in playful fashion saying “Be a savage towards me, use my body with no remorse” I want yall to remember this dm.  It will be important as we move along.  He was always playful, super entertaining and funny.  So after all this playfulness and flirting I get a text from him.  It’s a super long paragraph.  Yassss pour your soul out! Hype me!  He was my hype man yall.  Another reason why this hurts, now I’m back to hyping myself.  I’m the opening Limelight DJ at Happy Hour on a Friday night at this point. 

The text read [forgive me, the thread has long been deleted, so my memory may be fuzzy]: “Jess you are a Queen, I DON’T THINK I AM YOUR KING (emphasized, because this was the first ignored red flag, straight out the gate) But I enjoy being in the presence of a woman like yourself.  I’d like to take you on dates if you want, hang out with you……blah blah blah”, yall get it right? Great.  So I decided to give Lil Buddy a chance.  Let’s hang out, whatever.

It started out cute and friendly.  Texts if I was hungry.  I’m always hungry.  Feed me! Please.  Late night McDonalds runs.  Light convos at my kitchen table. Then one night he asked me to stay the night.  I like cuddles.  So ok.  I’m still a virgin at this point, so I still have the mentality of “ain’t shit happening but sleep.”  So I pack a bag, he picks me up and we’re off.  I kinda know where he lives, because he threw a party at his house one time.  I’ve also seen too many Lifetime movies to know I should be aware of my surroundings.  I quickly pick up on the fact that we are not heading to his house. Um, whatyoudoing?  I wasn’t getting kidnapped.  I soon discovered we were pulling up to a Ben & Jerry’s.  AN ICE CREAM DATE! I’M SOLD! This is so cute.  Is this a teen movie?  Are you Prince Charming?  I know I’m gassing him yall, but I told yall, my first boyfriend wasn’t shit and he stalks me to this day, messing with my vehicle.  But that’s an entirely other blog. Anyway…. I was impressed.  3 points for Gryffindor with this one. 

After the ice cream, we proceed to his house.  He asks if I’d like some wine for the evening.  YOU FANCYYYYY! YOU CLASSY! OKKAAYYY.  I walk in and his roommate is chilling with a particularly familiar face.  This is red flag #2, but I don’t realize it at the time, we’ll get back to that.  We all end up watching Hercules.  I don’t like the Disney movies outside of the Princess ones, but those young men put me on that night.  The movie is good and those songs are complete bops.  2 points Gryffindor.  After the movie we all fall asleep.  Let’s speed things up.  So after night one I become a frequently flyer over to his house.  We’re chilling, vibing and I can catch myself developing deeper feelings.  This was not the plan. I really intended to be on savage mode and use Lil Buddy for the companionship, but I’m not built like that.  I crush hard.  But I warn myself and take precautions.  I distinctly remember telling him to act up, be mean to me, do something to make me walk away, while I still COULD walk away.  Things got deep, I told my friends things we’re getting deep for me and seeked advice from mutual friends between me and the young man.  The mutual friend gave me the green light and yall know my impatient butt didn’t look back.  I got sucked up into the moment and just kinda lost my virginity.  It just happened.

It wasn’t planned.  I wasn’t raped. I was just there.  I had been in this predicament before.  Yall remember Monroe.  It just never had went in, and this time it did.  I was like OH.  Well. Ok.  Strokes were not happening this first time.  Like no, chill baby.  It feel like shards of glass are pinching my stomach. Stop. Chill. Yeah, no.  So we cuddled.  And I sat there thinking of the liars.  HOW DARE YALL SAY SEX IS GOOD.  YOU FRAUDS! Who is paying yall? Let me in on the scam, because baby this wasn’t that.  The next morning I woke up and got dressed and basically ran out of his house.  I cried in the parking lot of this apartment.  I cried on the way to school.  I broke down in front of the mutual friend.  Baby I was a wreck!  I wasn’t me anymore. Well at least that’s how I felt.  I was dirty.  I was unpure.  God was gonna punish me.  Everyone was gonna be disappointed in me. Jessica. Chilllllll.

We kinda had a talk after that.  By talk I mean I talked to him and he sat on his couch, knees to chest, afraid to look at me.  Um Hello! I didn’t pop my own cherry, you did that.  So man up and talk to me.  We kinda talked it out, but nothing changed.  The next two times we had sex it still was painful and at this point, I could kill everyone who told me it would be good. 

I felt his energy change.  There were more signs I picked up on.  But this time I called him out on it.  He was hanging out with girls.  Excuse me “friends”.  I didn’t like it.  During our talk we from above, we both agreed we had had sex too early and needed to get to know each other better, but instead he always blew me off or was with some other girl, or with his other friends.  HELLO YOU TOOK MY VIRGINITY! I’m out here lost at sea, you don’t have to be my husband, but at least be there for me.  The emotional strain was too much for me to bear.  I was thinking about him all the time.  Dreaming about him.  Stressing.  Crying.  Not eating.  And I’m too little to lose my booty so all that had to go.  I had to cut him out of my life.  I stopped talking to him and got a job to regain my sanity and keep me busy. 

Enter 2018.  I think I’m bossed up.  Got a lil coin now from the new job.  I’m good.  Except I’m still dreaming about this young man.  And these dreams are very specific.  Very recurrent. Very annoying.  Cue J. Cole, because ya girl is having wet dreams.  Body count matters right? F your opinion and double standards, because honestly no.  Get it girl, bust it boy!  And that’s just how I feel, but at this point in time, I wasn’t raising my body count.  So I had to shlide in his dms with that “Hey Bighead….I been thinking about you, dreaming about you, so what we about to do?”  Ok that’s not how it went…. BUT I did set up some dick appointments.  You see during our down time, I had done a little research.  Sex was only gonna get better after multiple attempts.  DUH JESS.  Blah, blah, blah, whatever.  So my birthday was the 11th.  I had to get birthday sex.  Period.  So it’s early January, by the time the 11th hit, sex better be bomb.  Let’s adhere to this schedule.  I’m in bossed up mode.  No feelings. Just sex.  This has been the premise for 2 movies, which I enjoy and in both they both explain why this can never work.  But my dumbass loves to jump and get smacked right back down.  So let’s continue…..

I set up an appointment.  I’m hitting and leaving, have to.  Boss up mode.  He hits me with that “You hungry?” question. YOU KNOW I AM, ALWAYS!  I’m trapped.  He suggest pizza.  Cutting into my dick time, but ok.  So we riding around and he parks his car.  I proceed to sit.  He comes back to the car, like: “Come on, we’re eating it here.”  I am confusion.  We eating Papa John’s in the Papa John’s now? Whet?  Yall I walk up and we’re at an entire restaurant? WHET? A Chicago deep-dish style pizza restaurant.  Now when he ordered and the lady said one pizza was over 25 dollars I just assumed he didn’t know how to coupon.  Are we on a date?  Did our wires get crossed?  This is strictly a business transaction, not a date.  After we finish eating, it’s pretty late.  Damnit, I gotta stay the night.  BUT IM NOT CUDDLING.  We’re back at his place and we watch Maze Runner.  That movie is so bomb! WHY IS THIS NIGHT BECOMING SO MAGICAL!!!?????  I’m shook.  Moving on.

Yeah we had sex.  It was grand.  I get what yall talking about now.  Congrats.

I didn’t get birthday sex, I was blown off.  As time progresses a lot of my appointments, excuse me, ALL of my appointments get blown off.  -8,300,789,254 points Gryffindor! What is going on!? Long story short, he starts trying to emphasize our “friendship”.  Cue the last blog.  I’m not friends with people who I sleep with.  Period.  Something deeper is there, whether you admit or not.  Even more long story short, he flat out told me THROUGH TEXT, NOT FACE TO FACE that we were no longer having sex because he was developing feelings for another girl.  My heart SANK! Now, I was on my bossed up shit, so I thought, but that text sent me into turmoil.  You ever see the episode where SpongeBob has all those tiny SpongeBobs in his brain burning everything and they’re all going crazy?  That was me.  I was broken.  I was shattered.  The girl? I recognized her name.  He would always have some girl call him late at night.  I remembered the same name ever since Night 1 of going over to his place.  Can you imagine how devastating that is?  To have foreshadowed your own misfortune.  I knew.  I KNEW something wasn’t right, when she kept calling, but I ignored the sign.  He claims things weren’t serious back then.  But I can’t give him the benefit of the doubt.  I can’t play myself like that.  Be real, no one’s calling you that late to say hey.  Ladies, don’t be like me.  No one is calling that late to say hey.  Period. 

So here are the facts.  His roommate and that face I knew.  He broke her heart.  Birds of a feather flock together.  Another ignored sign.  That dm.  I tried to use your body with no remorse, and STILL GOT PLAYED. How Sway?  How this work?  Why me Lord. I went into deep depression before he sent me that text.  I was so low I started meditating in my floor.  I was Buddha.  I prayed that God send me a sign if this young man was the one.  But I had a particular prayer.  I told God to send me a sign so large that it would shake me to my core and if I shouldn’t be with him that it would be so altering that I would never go back.  I got it.  I got EXACTLY what I prayed for.  Because yall, that text hurt me like no other.  To see your first say that he wants another girl, after you’ve given him a part of you.  All of you.  You’ve poured your soul out to this man.  You’ve opened yourself up to this man.  And he said no.  He said you weren’t good enough.  That’s breaking. 

But, you can’t be broken, you can’t let him break you.  You have to get up.  I know it’s hard.  I know you’re drained.  I know you want to go crazy.  But the reality is, you’ll never have to chase what’s yours.  You may think that the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but baby no. Guard yourself.  Heal yourself.  Be free, but be focused.  Love yourself.  Cherish yourself.  Pain only builds character.  Pain builds strength.  Pain builds wisdom.  Pain creates lessons.  And for everyone who shared that they were virgins too when I wrote about Monroe, use this blog as a lesson.  I don’t think I’m any less of myself or worthy now that I’m not a virgin anymore, but hold on to your values and lose it when you’re ready.  Be prepared for various emotions that you never knew you could experience.  Love yourself before you give yourself to someone else.  They will have so much control over you, and no matter how strong you think you are, giving part of yourself away will be the ultimate test of how strong you are.  I felt like the strongest woman on the planet, besides my mother, and when he broke my heart, I felt about the size of a crumb.  I’m still building myself.  I’m still encouraging myself and I’m still learning to love myself.  I don’t regret my decisions, I’m happy for them.  They’re building me.  They’re shaping me.  They’re making me a better me.  And as I grow, someone who I need is growing too and one day we’ll find each other.

To my first, if you stumble across this.  I’m still hurt. I’m still broken. And I’m still learning how to forgive you.  But my biggest wish is that you’re happy.  That you find someone who makes you happy.  Because isn’t that what we’re all looking for?  Happiness?  Someone to share that happiness with? If I want the best for me, I can only want the best for everyone else, you lie in that category, so hurt or not I want the best for you too.

I’m open, because I’m neither ashamed nor afraid of this path that I’m walking, and I know this will touch or resonate with someone and for that I am forever grateful of the voice and vision God has given me.