How's Your Lil' Friend?

In December my family threw a surprise birthday party to celebrate my Aunt turning 70. In the midst of her party, we all began to go around giving speeches about how she had impacted our lives. I listened to and spoke praises of her and how she was so selfless and so loved. It was beautiful to be a part of that moment and to know that she had blessed those around her throughout her life. I very recently, (only yesterday) turned the golden age of 21! I aspired to one day have someone sing praises of me and all I had done in my life as my Aunt had received, and at an age similar to hers, never would I have imagined to receive them on my 21st.

In typical spoiled, only child fashion I assigned two of my bond sisters to make my 21st memorable. I rarely do anything for my birthday, I get cards from family and friends, phone calls, texts and usually do a family dinner with a cake from my favorite bakery. Last year I began the tradition of taking a couple of professional pictures to stimulate my Instagram, but all in all my birthdays are pretty chill and I wanted my 21st to be completely different. In typical surprise party type fashion, all my friends and sisters ignored me throughout the day. They constantly asked me what I was doing and they knew I had no plans. I felt like they forgot my birthday or didn’t come through for me, so I decided to go with my typical birthday mannerisms and called my parents telling them I’d like to go out to dinner. At that moment I guess, I messed up my own surprise, because I got calls and texts saying “You can’t go out! We didn’t forget your birthday! What are you doing!?” Long story short, after I got home from dinner, my best friend stalled me for about 30 minutes, even though I saw my birthday cake and candles in her room, then we went to my bond sister’s apartment and balloons and screams of “Surprise!” rained down on me. It was beautiful. It was perfect. I love them so much. But my point with this paragraph is, in the midst of my party, a friend starts clanging a champagne bottle saying she would like to say a few words about me. I’m thinking it’s a joke, I haven’t lived yet, I haven’t impacted anyone’s life. She gives the sweetest speech and what surprises more is that they continue from others there. I could cry. To add more tear drops to my guitar, I was trying to thank all the birthday wishes I got on social media when I received a DM on Instagram. It was from a girl in my graduating class. I remembered having a class with her. She wrote telling me: I had no idea how much of an inspiration I was to her, from my social media presence to seeing me on campus, she ended by saying she wished she was where I was and hoped to be like me one day. I broke. I felt loved and was so thankful. I was humbled and felt admired, but I’m not perfect, it made me think, there are people watching you and you’re still not the person you want to be. You’re still growing, maturing and learning. I want everyone around me to live their truth and keep me grounded in mine.

Though I try to be strong, I’m still only human and young men can still alter my mood. Like most girls they are often the cause of my stress. But don’t get it confused, like all my pieces this one can be interpreted the same for young men. Girls often are the prime source of their stress as well. In a world where the mere word “situationship” exists, we should question how we’re really living. Situationships and talking are the norm. While relationships and dating are often begged for on social media, yet they are rarely common. And those begging to be laid up, while racking up several retweets are the main ones breaking hearts and laid up with someone at that exact moment. Now what does that do to self-esteem? It shouldn’t matter right? If the guy you’re messing with is constantly talking about what he wants, instead of realizing what he has (which is you) and you hold yourself so highly, why aren’t you enough? Why doesn’t he gas you like he use to? Aren’t you still pretty enough? Smart enough? Aren’t you still the type to be bragged about? You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re thoughtful and high key the funniest person the planet, yet the one you want doesn’t want you? I wanna know who gets paid to constantly play me in life like this.

When Nola Darling gets labeled a hoe, but men get praised for having multiple pieces, should you be ashamed to be free? No, young men are inconsistent and you are perfectly free to entertain them when you’re bored. Hell the one you want, doesn’t want you anyway. Why can’t girls date three people and still remain desirable? Yet men get patted on the back for stacking bodies. The difference is: if I’m not sleeping with all three, but I’m just dating them, I’m fine. Let’s drop this double standard and frankly just mind our business in 2018! But honestly, no young man is consistent in my life. Hell barely any are in this generation. Men have a radar. Quote me. Put me in your senior yearbook, because I’ll carry this phrase with me all the way until I make it. When you’re feeling one young man, an old piece will creep up on you with that good ol’ “hey” text. When you want someone, they rarely want you. When you’re finally over them, here they come ready to risk it all. When you weren’t interested in the beginning, they play the game so well, you’re ready to give them a chance, suddenly “they’re not looking for a relationship”. In a world of memes screaming “You came to me, I was fine”, it really is that “NIGGA YOU CAME TO ME! I WAS REALLY FINE!” In a world of: friends can have sex and relationships shouldn’t change, but I’m still going to treat you like more than a friend, you just need to chill and not catch feelings: “NIGGA YOU CAME TO ME! I WAS REALLY FINE!”

What’s a friend? A friend is something we learned about when we were young. We raced our friends on the playground at school. We call and text our friends to hang out, to cry to, to eat with. We aren’t kissing our friends. We aren’t sleeping with our friends. That’s not healthy. I don’t care if that’s your normal, it isn’t mine. I’m not tonguing down Lisa, or texting Kanita at 10pm because I miss her cuddles. Though I love my friends to death, I’m not taking them on dates. I’m broke and I’m waiting on their birthdays for all that. What’s a friend? Whoever you’re in that situationship with is not your friend, despite engaging in some friendly behavior, I’d dare say yall are a little more than friends sis, be real with yourself.

Why do we settle? Why do we stress ourselves out? Why do we remain in situations that only hurt us? Why can we realize we may not be in the right situations, but we stay anyway? It’s not love. It’s not comfort. It’s not familiarity. I’m no longer accepting that narrative. To share stories with my friends and sisters and realize that along the line we’ll always have something similar to say, instead of bonding from the same “little boy games” I need my friends and sisters to travel through that FaceTime and slap me. Stop settling. No one around me is ugly, nor stupid, nor deserving of anything less than happiness and comfort. So I really need all of them to get out of these toxic ass situationships, myself included! Stop settling! I had a sister leave her boyfriend because she wasn’t happy. I was bumfuzzled because they had always been my idea of “goals.” But I admire her strength. I love her truly. She inspires me. She bossed up and chose happiness. I’m still settling. Go back to when I said “goals”. We let social media control us. We think we should be more successful by now. We think the “one” will just appear with a halo. There will be this grand sign and we’ll know. We think we should be bae’d up at this very moment. We tear each other down. We praise pettiness and negativity. We joke around way too much about issues that actually affect us in society. We barely know what is going on the world but we’ll spend hours on Twitter draining ourselves and wishing, instead of living.

At 21, I want to live. I want to live in truth. My truth. I’m not built for situationships or acting lovey dovey with a “friend”. I’m not here for inconsistency or anything that makes me less than happy. I’m here for prayer and my friends flourishing around me. I don’t want negativity or petty praise to touch me. Literally touch me. I want to be bad and boujee and turn my nose up at your beefing. I want stronger relationships with those who love me and I want God to tell me where I should be, not social media. I want to inspire and prosper. I want to mature and grow.

To those I love, leave him sis. If he hasn’t committed by now, tell him what it is, or leave. Get a job, journal. I’m the example, Express drains me, but it keeps me paid and focused on something different. Keep your mind clear so you don’t focus on him. Your MCM tweets he wants a girlfriend. But I know he passed up on a perfect one. Reclaim your worth sis.

In the words of an intellectual genius: Moneybagg Yo: “I leveled up, I feel important.”

I honestly think I’m too much for you.